If you value honesty, it is a gut-wrenching moment the first time your child tells you a bold-faced lie. Parents interpret being lied to by their child as a crisis in morality. It is a huge disappointment. Here’s something that might surprise you. The experts are often at the opposite end of the spectrum—many suggest the child’s first lie is actually a mark of achievement to be celebrated! What is the truth about kids and lying, and what, if anything, parents should do about lying?
Why Children Lie
Lying is a normal part of a child’s cognitive development.
- Between the age of two and three, children learn the powerful word “No.” About the same time, they start to discover they are separate from their parents. The first lie is the first step in the process.
- By the age of five, they clearly know the difference between lying and telling the truth.
- Between the ages of six and eight, they grasp the concept of telling a “white lie.”
- By ten or eleven, most children can lie very well.
- During the teen years, lies may increase, as the teen continues to explore separating from parents. Some teens excuse their deception with the belief, “My parents don’t trust me anyway, so I might as well lie. Besides, I am old enough to make decisions.”
Adults lie for a variety of reasons: To avoid punishment, to avoid doing tasks, because they fear consequences, to get what they want, to avoid embarrassment, and to stay in someone’s good graces. Fear is often the driving force fueling a lie. Kids lie for many of the same reasons adults lie. Kids also lie in response to fear.
Lying is a Learned Habit
Parents unwittingly teach their children how to lie, each time they call in sick faking a cough so they can have a mental health day, or claim traffic caused them to be late, when in reality they overslept. One study reported 60% of the adults lie in a short 10-minute conversation. Society condones some lies. Telling a “white lie” to spare someone’s feelings is acceptable, such as when you tell your elderly aunt you love the fruit cake she makes, when in reality, you use it as a door stop.
How to Handle Kids and Lying
Victoria Talwar, an expert on kids and lying, says parents often entrap their kids, and put them in positions to lie. Parents do this in part by asking questions they already know the answer to. Here is an example:
Pam notices frosting on her three-year-old’s face, and a bite out of a cupcake.
Pam already knows the answer to the question, but asks in a disapproving voice, “Did you take a bite out of the cupcake?”
Hearing her mother’s angry tone, the child answers, “No, Tommy (her imaginary friend) did it.”
This three-year-old’s fib is an attempt to problem solve. The child is motivated by the desire to please her mother. Fearing punishment, she fibs, trying to shift the blame to an imaginary friend – her scapegoat. At three, she has a hard time knowing the difference between what is real and what is imaginary. Things go from bad to worse, as her mommy yells at her in anger, calling her a liar.
Pam could have encouraged her child to tell the truth by commenting about the frosting and cupcake, stating in a calm voice that as a consequence there would be no desert. Pam could have given her child another chance to explain about the cupcake and then rewarded her for honesty.
A wonderful teaching opportunity could have followed, as Pam told her little girl how much she loved honesty, and perhaps read her a story that focused on the positive consequences of honesty, like ”George Washington and the Cherry Tree.” Research has proven reading classic moral stories to children with themes that reward honesty is effective in promoting truth-telling in children. Reading stories with negative consequences of dishonesty (such as Pinocchio) does not promote truth telling in children.
Promoting Honesty in Your Family
The next time your child lies to you, be mindful of your response. Using the interrogative words how, when, and where will encourage your child to describe the situation in detail, and give them an opportunity to tell the truth. A sentence that starts with the word “why” puts both children and adults on the defensive.
Be sure to celebrate when your child tells the truth, even when you disagree with your child’s behavior. Telling the truth can be hard. Use the moment to share with them a time you found it hard to tell the truth, but are glad you did.
Ask a trusted friend to be brutally honest in giving you feed back about your parenting style. Do they think your children might fear the consequences for telling you the truth? Would you like help in learning how to promote honesty in your family? Are you having difficulty knowing if your child’s lying is a symptom of a more difficult problem?
Counselors You Can Trust
The counselors at The Center For Family Unity are experts in helping parents understand their child’s motivations, developmental stages, and next steps necessary to change undesirable behavior. Contact us for a free 20 minute consultation to discuss your concerns.
