“Always tell the truth. That way, you don’t have to remember what you said.”
—Mark Twain
When it comes to lies—especially small, everyday kinds of lies—Mark Twain’s advice is right on the money. Lies always exact an emotional toll. They take energy to maintain and keep us from growing in ways that we need to, but may find uncomfortable.
They often have a way of backfiring, too, with one fib leading to another and ultimately costing us more than just energy. An inaccurate résumé may cost us a job offer, or a “touched up” image may cost us a new relationship.
But most importantly, lies keep us from experiencing each other’s humanity and vulnerability—and our own. What can you do when you find out your spouse has been lying? Lying is a symptom of deeper issues such as fear of intimacy or vulnerability. Shame about who we are gets in the way of showing up and speaking our truth in love; the humiliation of who we think we are overcomes who God intended us to be.
It is the truth that moves people. And it is the truth that we tell ourselves that moves us to improve our lives, not cling to our lies.
Below is a field guide to everyday lies. In each category, think of an example in your own life and rework the scenario using the truth. You might be surprised at the results.
Excuses
We give false excuses all the time: why we’re late, why we must refuse an invitation, why we didn’t call back, why we didn’t show up, why the work isn’t done.
What would happen if you told the truth? “I just can’t muster the courage to come to your party because I know my ex and her new husband will be there, and I’m still tender over our break-up.”
In revealing yourself to the host, you invite empathy and perhaps support for the real emotions of grief after the ending of a relationship—emotions that everyone can relate to and understand. Also, you remain trustworthy in the eyes of the host.
Shifting Blame
Bending the truth to avoid responsibility is common and devastating in both professional and personal life. No other kind of lie poisons relationships in quite the same way. By blaming another, we cover up areas that we might need to work on, places in our lives that need to change for us to move forward.
The most common motivations for this kind of blame shifting are fear and insecurity. When we don’t believe we deserve a second chance, we lie instead of admitting we’ve erred. Imagine the power of saying: “I’m responsible.” You may be surprised by the amount of appreciation you receive for taking responsibility.
When your kids lie they are trying to cover up fears. They need you to help them feel safe and they need to experience consequences rather than punishment.
Image Touch-Ups
Whether it’s dropping a few years from your age or creating fictional life experiences and skills, this kind of lie usually involves those things about which we’re most insecure—age, weight, education, salary, job credentials.
As we grow in our ability to appreciate ourselves and to work with intention on areas we wish to improve, these kinds of embellishments decline. Higher self-esteem means we don’t have to be perfect or fascinating or striking to be lovable.
Omitting the Truth
Lying by withholding information can be wounding to the person who is being misled. For example, not telling a prospective business partner that you are bankrupt and tens of thousands of dollars in debt could lead the person to make a decision they wouldn’t ordinarily make—and might regret.
Putting all the information on the table shows honor and respect for others who are making decisions based on your information.
Lying is a draining, negative way to use our brain and skills. It demands huge amounts of emotional energy, which we would be much better off using to improve our life.
Help is Here
The counselors at The Center for Family Unity can help you unwind the lies and discover the underlying truth by creating a space of safety that allows you, your partner and your family to express your fears and learn how to love yourself and each other. We can give you the necessary tools to confront and deal with the root issue when your children lie.
Call today! Waiting only prolongs the pain. We are waiting for you. 619-884-0601 www.TheCenterforFamilyUnity.com
