Hot shot kid in a too-fast car cut you off this morning; it’s noon and you’re still seething?
Clerk at the grocery store wouldn’t let you in his express line because the guy behind you ratted on your 11th item?
Husband had an affair 15 years ago and even though you’ve been divorced for seven, your stomach still knots up when you think about it?
You moved to a new city for a great career opportunity but long so much for your old home and your old friends that you can’t find anything to like about the new place?
Your son stays home to care for the kids while your daughter-in-law works at her law practice and this just doesn’t seem right to you?
You know you should let it all go, and you try, but there it is—that same old stuff still getting rent-free space in your head.
Just exactly how does one let go, so that the residue of the past is put away, forgotten, or transformed into memories that can be called upon at will, rather than those that show up like telephone solicitors at dinnertime and demand attention?
Letting go has to do with living in the present moment rather than the past. It happens when the past isn’t projected into the future, but is left behind where it belongs. It’s about making amends when called for, taking care of things that need attending to, forgiving rather than re-living. It has to do with receiving God’s unconditional love as the answer to our deepest emotional needs. The Center for Family Unity offers Christian counseling with a firm foundation to help you grow and change.
Try this:
- Next time a thought about something that happened in the past floats into your mind, let it pass through without jumping aboard and going along for the ride. If you focus on it, the thought will grow into an obsession. Try acknowledging the thought, then, with a deep breath, letting it go into the hands of God.
- If the thought that comes along is about something that’s left undone, you may need to take some action before you can let go. Do you need to make amends with someone, clear up some misunderstanding, write a letter or make a phone call? Perhaps you need to make a list of the actions needed to resolve a situation, and set some goals. Begin with a small, manageable step, but, whatever you must do, begin. Taking action sometimes precedes letting go.
- Stay in the now and appreciate the circumstances of your life. Make a gratitude list of what you like about wherever you are; not just your living arrangements, but other parts of your life, too. Get rid of what is no longer appropriate in your life, and create more space for more of the gifts that God has given you to show up.
- Write letters that you may or may not send to people you need to release. (Caution: always wait a few days and check with someone you trust if you have any doubts about the appropriateness of actually sending a letter.) Write unsent letters to situations from your past or to people, even those who have passed away. Write what you feel, say what you need, and say goodbye.
- Let go by putting away pictures, memorabilia, clothes, gifts and anything else that keeps you actively connected with someone who’s no longer with you and whose presence you keep alive when it would be more beneficial to move on.
- Make a ceremony of letting go. Burn old letters or journals. Dig a hole in the earth and bury what needs to be buried. Write a letter or vow for the occasion, read it aloud. Light candles, sing songs. And weep, if need be. Include others in your ceremony to witness or assist you.
- Let go of old ideas. People, lifestyles and cultures change. Talk to others, get other perspectives. Focus on what’s good about change, find the ways it benefits you and others. Holding on to how it used to be keeps you from participating in the present.
- Release thoughts and words that categorize people, that measure or evaluate or that judge or condemn or hold others with expectations. Eliminate words like should, ought, can’t, if only, however and impossible.
The authors of Love is a Choice: The Definitive Book on Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships show us the important stage of seeing God’s unconditional love as the answer to your deepest emotional needs and your hunger for love.
For more information on letting go of the past or for help processing through painful memories, contact The Center For Family Unity in San Diego. Call us at (619)884-0601 or visit www.TheCenterForFamilyUnity.com
