One of the most important investments you can make in your marriage is finding the answer to the question “How can I show my spouse I love them?” The fact is that many spouses love their mate, but miss the mark when searching for specific ways they can make their mate feel well loved. It is confusing and hurtful when efforts to express love fail, just as it is confusing and hurtful when a mate does not feel well loved. Fortunately, it is possible for you to learn how to knock the ball out of the park in your efforts show your mate you love them. In addition, couples counseling in San Diego is available for couples that simply want to learn how to love their spouse better—even if they’re not in crisis.
Learning to Express Love
Most people learn to express love for their spouse based on three things:
- how they like to be loved,
- what worked in their past experiences,
- and observing role models.
The media, lyrics in songs, and commercials all portray examples of how to love others. It is possible to fall short by copying even the best role model, because what you are doing is not the way your spouse prefers to receive your love.
A good starting point is to learn more about the five basic ways people prefer to receive love, and identify your spouse’s preferred method. Having that knowledge is what makes it possible for you to express your love, in the most powerful way, to your mate. Many couples find reading Dr. Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages to be one of the most valuable investments they ever make in their marriage.
Start by asking your spouse to show you the best way you can communicate your love for them. Listen to their response, and take notes. Inquire if the things you typically do make them feel loved, or if you are missing the mark. Their answers may surprise you,
because they may interpret your efforts in a very different manner than you intended. For example, if you express your love to your wife with a gift of expensive lingerie, she may interpret the gift as a request for a sexual encounter. By the same token, if a wife expresses her love for her husband with a gift card to a home improvement center, her husband may interpret the gift as a reminder of things he needs to fix around the house. Well intended gestures to express love to your spouse can backfire, if you are unaware of your mate’s preferences.
A second way to show your spouse you love them is to treat them with respect. This requires monitoring your communication to them and about them. Dr. Gottman’s research has shown that happily married couples treat each other with respect, affection, and empathy- like good friends. One very powerful way to love and respect your spouse is to make a rule you will not criticize them in public. Instead, speak highly of them in front of others. Resolve conflict gently and in private.
How NOT to Love
Contempt, sarcasm, mocking, and attacks on your partner’s character convince your spouse you do NOT love them. If you have a quick wit, and enjoy entertaining others with your comments, be careful your spouse is not the brunt of your jokes. If you want to show your spouse you love them, you will need to replace negative behaviors with behaviors that build into the marriage, and convey your love for them. The good news is that practicing small repeated changes in behavior can make a big difference in a marriage. You can learn more about positive behaviors, and how couples have transformed their marriages by reading Predicting Divorce to Preventing It.
A third way to show your spouse you love them is to learn how to fully forgive mistakes your spouse has made. If your mate has done something you feel is “unforgivable,” it will continue to fester, preventing you from loving your spouse well. Forgiving them fully will enable you to love them as you promised to do in your wedding vows.
To love and be loved is one of the most fundamental needs in life. The counselors at The Center for Family Unity are experienced in helping couples learn to express their love to their spouses, in ways their spouse feels well loved. We encourage you to call for a free 20 minute consultation to discuss how we can assist you in your desire to show your spouse you love them. We can help you with the practical application of this information to your own life, and assist you as you work through any stumbling blocks that are preventing you from expressing your love. Call us today at 618-884-0601
