With the holiday season just around the corner it seems everyone is beginning to make plans. Families travel to and fro to celebrate age-old traditions together. It’s a time of great joy for some, and often a time of great sorrow for new widows, like Mary.
This would be the first holiday season after Frank’s passing, and Mary had no idea where or how she would celebrate the holidays without him. Frank and Mary had always been the “glue” that held their family together. Every Thanksgiving, their four kids and eleven grandchildren, along with an assortment of folks with no other place to celebrate, would gather at their home for a traditional turkey dinner and an evening centered around board games and story telling. It was an evening family and friends looked forward to all year long.
The Christmas tradition was even sweeter. Every Christmas Eve the whole family would meet at church for the midnight candlelight service. On Christmas day, Frank would dress up in a Santa Claus suit and distribute gifts to all of the grandkids. And at the tail end of the night, Frank would always give Mary her surprise gift—something that was always inscribed with “Frank + Mary.” Married for 45 years, Mary could not bear the thought of celebrating the holidays without Frank. The thought of celebrating without him seemed unbearable.
Grieving is hard work. Each holiday has traditions unique to a couple. The first year after the loss of a mate, it helps the grief process if the family takes time in advance to plan how the holidays will be celebrated. These plans help the family grieve well, so the work of grief is completed in approximately one year. The goal is not to avoid or interrupt grief, but to walk through it, in order that one can experience joy in the years that lie ahead.
For some, setting a formal place at the dinner table for the departed will be healing. For others, it will be important to just acknowledge the pain associated with the loss and to give themselves permission to just spend a quiet day alone, knowing there will be more holidays in the future when old traditions can be revisited and new traditions can be created.
This holiday season, if you or a loved one is struggling to cope with the grief that follows the loss of a spouse, The Center For Family Unity can help. We’ll provide a safe place for your explore your feelings, heal your heart and bring joy back to the holiday season. To set an appointment, call us at 619-884-0601.
