With the holiday season just around the corner it seems everyone is beginning to make plans. Families travel to and fro to celebrate age-old traditions together. It’s a time of great joy for some, and often a time of great sorrow for new widows, like Mary.
This would be the first holiday season after Frank’s passing, and Mary had no idea where or how she would celebrate the holidays without him. Frank and Mary had always been the “glue” that held their family together. Every Thanksgiving, their four kids and eleven grandchildren, along with an assortment of folks with no other place to celebrate, would gather at their home for a traditional turkey dinner and an evening centered around board games and story telling. It was an evening family and friends looked forward to all year long.
The Christmas tradition was even sweeter. Every Christmas Eve the whole family would meet at church for the midnight candlelight service. On Christmas day, Frank would dress up in a Santa Claus suit and distribute gifts to all of the grandkids. And at the tail end of the night, Frank would always give Mary her surprise gift—something that was always inscribed with “Frank + Mary.” Married for 45 years, Mary could not bear the thought of celebrating the holidays without Frank. The thought of celebrating without him seemed unbearable.
Grieving is hard work. Each holiday has traditions unique to a couple. The first year after the loss of a mate, it helps the grief process if the family takes time in advance to plan how the holidays will be celebrated. These plans help the family grieve well, so the work of grief is completed in approximately one year. The goal is not to avoid or interrupt grief, but to walk through it, in order that one can experience joy in the years that lie ahead.
For some, setting a formal place at the dinner table for the departed will be healing. For others, it will be important to just acknowledge the pain associated with the loss and to give themselves permission to just spend a quiet day alone, knowing there will be more holidays in the future when old traditions can be revisited and new traditions can be created.
This holiday season, if you or a loved one is struggling to cope with the grief that follows the loss of a spouse, The Center For Family Unity can help. We’ll provide a safe place for your explore your feelings, heal your heart and bring joy back to the holiday season. To set an appointment, call us at 619-884-0601.
In order to function well at work and in your relationships, you need to know your children are doing well, and that their needs are being taken care of. Here are ten strategies that will help you ease the transition for your children in your newly blended family.
Tell your children up front that their step parent is not there to replace their biological parent. Reassure them their biological parent will always be their mom or dad and that there is no expectation to call their new step parent mom or dad.
Let your children know it’s okay if they don’t love their step parent like you do. Nevertheless, they do need to treat them with respect. The same is true for their step siblings.
Plan regular parent-child dates with your biological children. And don’t ever cancel! Give them your precious time—your undivided attention. It can be as little as 15 minutes a day, but it must be consistent. While buying them new toys or planning fancy trips may seem like a way to show your love for them, it cannot ever replace you. Your kids want you. Be there.
Help your kids understand the non-negotiable behavior rules of your home by placing them in a prominent area. Let them know they will be disciplined if they break these rules and that your new spouse will discipline them if you are not home to do it.
Give everyone time and space to form new relationships. Don’t force the family to do everything as a family unit. Too much forced togetherness backfires.
Keep your own expectations realistic. Building a secure blended family takes years of commitment. The effort you put into your relationship with your step children may take years to fully develop.
Learn about gender differences. General research shows girls have more difficulty accepting step fathers than boys, and girls are more uncomfortable with a step father’s physical affection than boys. Girls may also express dislike of their step mother, picking up the biological mother’s anger, and acting in solidarity with her. This behavior dissipates if the biological mother tells the daughter being angry and disrespectful to the step mother is not an option.
Learn about affection. Both girls and boys prefer verbal affection over hugs. If the kids are shying away from physical touch, give them the space they need.
Find something each child is doing right and encourage them. Tell them how much you respect or appreciate the fact that they do this or that. Write them a note that tells them how much they mean to you and sneak it in their lunch box. Send them an unexpected text during the day recognizing them for something they’ve done well. Be creative and let them know you noticed.
Accept the reality that it is normal to love your own biological children more that your step children, even when your intention is to love them as your own.
Therapists at The Center for Family Unity can help you strengthen the bonds in your blended family and ease any transitions you may be struggling with. We invite you to book a free 20 minute consultation on our website. Contact us today.
Do you agree to handle “urgent” to-do’s that your step family dumps on you at the last minute?
Are you always tired and exhausted from running without a break?
Do you resent your family for expecting so much and supporting you so little?
Do you fill days off with activities so you’re unable to rest and rejuvenate?
Are you allowing your step children to “guilt you” into dropping your schedule for theirs?
Is it difficult to make time for “self-care” activities like exercise, relaxing or hobbies?
Do you rarely find the time to do the things you really love?
Do you respond to interruptions from your step family and all them to take you off track?
Are other people complaining your schedule doesn’t allow enough time for them?
If this sounds all too familiar, you may have difficulty managing your time and emotions. The Center For Family Unity can help. Contact us for a free 20 minute step family session.
As a new step parent you often need to play the babysitter role. Your spouse needs to tell your step child he or she is expected to respect the rules you enforce in their absence; just as they would do if a babysitter was hired.
With time, you’ll move into the role we call “the cool aunt or uncle.” At this stage we encourage you to schedule one-on-one “date nights” with your step child that revolve around his or her interests. You’ll have limited authority in this season. But, be patient. You’re earning the right to have more.
Eventually, you’ll move into the seasoned step parent role. This is when your relationship with your step child naturally includes discipline, nurturing, guiding, teaching and counseling.
Do you need help establishing and understanding how to operate in your current role? Contact us today to get help from our blended family therapists.
