The Importance of Play in Our Lives

by | Jun 13, 2015 | Christian Counseling, Family Counseling

If it feels like you have less leisure time and fewer unstructured “play” hours in your life, you’re not alone. Consider these statistics:

  • The average married couple works 26 percent longer each year than similar working couples did thirty years ago.
  • Leisure time among children ages 12 and under has declined from 40 percent of a child’s day in 1981 to 25 percent of a child’s day in 1997. No wonder the demand for children’s counseling is so high! These same kids are growing to be the one in four American adults that report no leisure-time physical activity—at all!
  • A landmark Surgeon General’s Report identified lack of physical activity, including during leisure, as a serious health threat in the U.S.

The late A. Bartlett Giamatti, former president of Yale University and one-time commissioner of Major League Baseball said, “You can learn more about a society by observing the way they play as opposed to how they work.”

Our high tech life with its accelerated pace has fostered a culture that seems to be always working, always rushed, always connected. With cell phones interrupting the theater, laptop computers at the beach, internet connections at every other café, and home offices that beckon us all hours of the night and day, it’s hard to separate “play” from “work.” Yet to maintain balance in our lives, and for our ultimate well-being, play is important. Lenore Terr, a psychiatrist at the University of California, San Francisco, and author of Beyond Love and Work: Why Adults Need to Play, argues that play is crucial at every stage of life. In play, we discover pleasure, cultivate feelings of accomplishment, and acquire a sense of belonging. When we play, we learn and mature and find an outlet for stress. “Play is a lost key,” Terr writes. “It unlocks the door to ourselves.”

When we are completely involved in play our cares and worries disappear. Sailing, playing a game of tennis, or being thoroughly engrossed in a good novel, we feel pleasurably alive and light-hearted. There is nothing like play that allows us to be present in the moment.

If you feel like you and your kids don’t have enough play time in your life (and who doesn’t), try these suggestions:

Turn-off. Turn off the television, computer and cell phone for at least two hours a day.

Let your mind wander. Recall what you used to enjoy doing or what you always wanted to do before we became so technology-oriented.

Include others. Invite someone over to play, just like you used to when you were a kid. Nothing planned, nothing structured. Let your play evolve naturally.

Think physical. Go for a walk, ride your bike, rent some skates, break out the croquet set from the basement, go for a swim or a run.

Pretend. Pretend you don’t have any cares or worries. Pretend you have all the time in the world to laugh and play and enjoy. Pretend there is no moment other than this.

In almost all cases, the topic of “play” is addressed at some point during children’s counseling, family counseling and even marriage counseling at The Center For Family Unity. It’s just that important.

Any time you have the choice of whether to work “just one more hour” or give yourself over to play, consider what Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it.” If you need help learning how to let go and work more time for play into your busy life, consider contacting The Center for Family Unity for support at 619-884-0601.

Three Tips for Understanding and Avoiding Loyalty Conflicts

by | Jun 13, 2015 | Family Counseling

As children grow and mature, they develop a sense of devotion and attachment to their parents. This attachment is also known as loyalty. When parents’ divorce and a stepparent is introduced into the family, loyalty conflicts can arise. Although it is not unusual for loyalty conflicts to arise, they can still be quite difficult. Luckily, there are steps you can take to try and avoid these conflicts.

A biological parent may feel guilt over the divorce which can result in permissive parenting and may cause loyalty conflicts within the new stepfamily household.

Loyalty conflicts within the new stepfamily household can arise when the biological parent feels guilty over divorce or separation from their child’s other parent. If this is the case, it is important to avoid a permissive parenting style, or allowing the child to do as they please out of guilt. Your child needs solid structure and clear rules and guidance in the new stepfamily situation more than ever, and it is important for the biological parent to show a united front with the stepparent. Remain committed to upholding household rules. A biological parent siding with the child against the stepparent can create an “us against them” attitude, and can make the stepparent feel alienated and undervalued. To avoid this type of loyalty conflict, make sure both the biological parent and the stepparent work together to openly discuss their expectations surrounding rules, consequences, and parenting roles. Have this discussion ahead of time, so you will be well prepared to handle a difficult situation when it arises, and will be able to support each other.

A child may feel a loyalty conflict between both of their parents and the separate households.

Working with your ex-spouse may be difficult, and communication between the two of you not always civil, but it is vital that you avoid involving your children in your battles. When children are caught in the middle, they feel guilty, feel pressured, or feel rejected. This in turn creates loyalty conflicts. To avoid these conflicts, communicate directly and do not use your child as a “messenger.” Don’t grill children for information about what is going on in your ex-spouse’s life. Also, don’t ask your children to keep secrets from their other parent, and try not to argue in front of them. Your child is a combination of both of you, and criticizing or insulting your ex-spouse in front of your child is an indirect insult to them. In time, your child will have a greater respect for you if you make an effort to avoid loyalty conflicts. It is also important for your child to maintain a relationship with the other parent unless that relationship could put them in danger. Encourage the relationship between your child, their other parent, and the extended family. During this difficult time, your child will benefit from having many sources of support. If your ex-partner or spouse remarries, support your child’s relationship with this new stepparent, so that they don’t feel they are being disloyal to you.

A child may feel they are being disloyal to their biological parent when showing affection toward a stepparent.

Loyalty conflicts can also occur for your child between the new stepparent and the child’s other parent. Your child may feel guilty about developing a bond or relationship with your new partner. They may feel this is being “disloyal” to their other parent. Sadly, the other parent may even be reinforcing this idea. In your household, you can let your child know you recognize they may feel this way and encourage the child to think about a relationship with the new stepparent as an opportunity to have another caring adult in their life – not a replacement for the other parent.

For the child’s sake, it is very important for all the involved adults to openly support the child’s connection to the other parent and stepparent(s) in the family system. Remember, though, to be patient and not push the child. Building relationships takes time and for many older stepchildren, the stepparent becomes more of a trusted adult in their life, rather than a parent.

To learn more about how to avoid loyalty conflicts in your family, contact The Center For Family Unity at 619.884.0601.