From the second they arrive on the planet, just inches long and utterly dependent, our children occupy a place in our hearts deeper than most any other relationship.
We nurture, guide, feed and protect them for years. The relationship brings us a complex mixture of joy, frustration, sadness, delight, anger, pride and love. Our children occupy our focus like nothing else, as they grow taller and more independent with every year.
And then they go away.
Of course, we knew that from the beginning. And that’s been the goal all along.
But that doesn’t make an empty nest any easier when it finally comes.
Fortunately, an empty nest is also the beginning of another era for parents, one that can be equally fulfilling.
Varied Reactions to the Empty Nest
Several recent studies have shed light on what’s often referred to as “empty nest syndrome“—that is, the feelings of grief that arise when children leave home for college, jobs or marriage. Here are a few of their findings:
Feelings of loss are not exclusive to women. Men feel just as much loss and may actually be less emotionally prepared to deal with those feelings.
Most women don’t fall apart. Unlike the common perception, it’s not typical for most women to experience lingering depression, or loss of purpose and identity. Though they experienced sadness, mothers in a 2008 University of Missouri study spoke more about their pride and joy in watching their kids make this transition and the relief they felt in seeing the fruits of their labor realized.
Happier partnerships. Contrary to the image of couples having trouble after the kids are gone, empty nesters of both genders reported their marital satisfaction was improved because they spent more quality time together.
Some Parents Suffer
Not everyone cries for a week and then moves on with life. Some parents really suffer.
Carin Rubenstein, PhD, author of Beyond the Mommy Years: How to Live Happily Ever After…After the Kids Leave Home, says that about 10% of mothers are more severely affected when their children leave home, and the problem may be more long-term.
Research suggests that those who experience the most long-term pain have these things in common:
• They consider change stressful and to be avoided.
• Their marriage is rocky.
• They worry that their children aren’t ready for adult responsibilities.
• They have a weaker sense of self-worth; their identity is tied to being a parent.
• Their own experience of moving away from their parents was difficult.
• Other “letting go“ times, such as weaning or sending children to school, were painful.
• They are full-time parents, with no other paid employment or self-employment.
How to Get Through It
If you are having severe reactions, such as crying excessively, feeling so sad you don’t want to see friends or go to work, or feeling as though your useful life has ended), consider seeking professional help at the Center for Family Unity.
For most parents, the following suggestions will help you get through the transition:
Feel your feelings. But don’t burden your children with them. Once they’ve left, ration your calls to once or twice a week. Try texting. The more they feel you clinging, the more they’ll pull away.
Get support. If you’re going through menopause, or having to care for elderly parents, your feelings may be exacerbated. Speak with a physician if you’re experiencing difficult menopausal symptoms, and consider ways to take a break from your caregiving to take care of YOU.
Be proactive. As much as possible, make family plans while everyone is still under the same roof. Plan family vacations, take time off from work for special days, and take advantage of all opportunities to talk with your child.
Dream and do. Use your greater freedom and relaxed responsibility to get back in touch with your own dreams and aspirations. Make a list of all the hobbies you’d like to pursue, or classes you’d like to take. Spend time that you didn’t have before developing new friendships. Dive into that new business or career that you’ve been dreaming about.
Above all, forgive yourself for not being a “perfect“ parent, and acknowledge all that you’ve been able to provide for your children. Focus on letting go and trusting that your child is on his or her path—bumps and all—and will be fine. And you will be, too.
All relationships have their complications, but step-families create a web of relationships and inter-relationships that make the average spider’s overnight spinning look simple in comparison.
Consider these possible variations: the woman may be wife, ex-wife, mother and step-mother. Her relationships might include her husband, her ex-husband, her children and her step-children, and her step-children’s mother who is her new husband’s ex-wife. If her ex-husband has remarried, then her relationship circle also includes his wife who is now her children’s step-mother. And, his new wife might have children of her own.
Change the genders and the man/husband/father’s roles are just as complex.
Now consider the children. Parents, step-parents, step-siblings. And we haven’t even talked about extended family — aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins. Considering that each individual relationship comes with its own set of potholes, it isn’t any wonder that the blended family might be in for a bumpy ride.
Feelings of loss, grief, guilt, anger, jealousy, loyalty conflicts, resentments, hurt, betrayal, rejection — these are just a few of the feelings family members may experience. Parents who are undergoing the stress and tension of divorce and remarriage may have less time and stamina to deal with their own feelings let alone the children’s emotional turmoil.
• New and different ways of doing things. When a family is forming, the members have no shared family histories or shared ways of doing things. From the way the table is set and how the holidays are celebrated to discipline and chores — everything must sorted out, discussed, and agreed upon.
• Roles and responsibilities change and expectations run high. The mother of one may suddenly become the stepmother of three. The youngest child may no longer be the baby and the oldest may lose her position, too. Time and space need to be reckoned with. Parents may expect their new spouse to love their children immediately and for all the children to become instant best friends.
The difficulties facing a blended family may be many, but where there are challenges there are also opportunities. To build strong bonds within your blended family, we suggest you intentionally:
• Acknowledge the river of feelings and encourage expression.
• Allow time for dealing with the issues these feelings raise and time for mourning losses.
• Be open to new ways of doing things. Be flexible. Whenever possible include everyone in the decision-making process.
• Communicate. Talk and listen.
• Maintain and nurture original parent-child relationships.
• Support and include one another. Plan time for family activities.
• Encourage friendships; let relationships develop in their own time.
• Maintain a sense of humor and play.
Ask for help from other family members, support groups, community-based programs, clergy, and your therapist.
Those who plan ahead and communicate about potential problems, face issues as they arise, support one another and seek help when it is needed, build strong bonds. And those bonds are the foundation that supports every healthy and loving family.
The holidays are a time of “more.” More parties. More social gatherings. More celebrations. And more drinking. Many of the usual drinking rules are relaxed during the holiday season. For example, drinking in the daytime becomes acceptable, even at the office. As a result, more drinking and driving occurs during the holidays than any other time of the year.
Here are some warning signs to watch for if you think someone you love may have a drinking problem:
• Drinking early in the day.
• Excessive drinking (drinking every day or every few days, or drinking increased quantities).
• Continuing to drink when they’ve “had enough.”
• Denying they’ve “had enough.”
• Urging others to “have one more” when they’ve said “no thanks.”
• Including alcohol in every activity.
• Always making sure there’s “enough” alcohol (buying excess liquor for gatherings).
• Refusing to discuss it when someone expresses concern about their drinking.
The most common symptom of alcoholism is denial that there’s a problem. And yet, the first step in recovery is admitting there might be a problem.
20 questions to ask someone that you suspect has a drinking problem:
1. Do you lose time from work due to your drinking?
2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?
7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family’s welfare?
9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
11. Do you want a drink the next morning?
12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
15. Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?
16. Do you drink alone?
17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?
18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
20. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
If the answer to three or more of these questions was “yes,” there may indeed be a drinking problem that needs to be addressed.
Alcoholism is a family disease. That means it affects not just the person who drinks, but everyone in the family—they’re called co-alcoholics, and they may need help as much as the alcoholic.
If alcohol is causing a problem in your life during the holidays and you’d like to talk about it, we invite you to call us and begin your healing journey.
If a child in your life has recently experienced a death or loss, it’s important to understand how he/she may grieve and what you can do to help him/her through it. Many adults are surprised when they learn that yes, even infants grieve. Children of all ages sense when someone is missing. Yet because children often grieve differently than the adults that care for them, it’s common for parents and caretakers to be concerned when their child shows no visible grief or initial reaction when learning of the loss.
Understand How Young Children Grieve:
A young child’s perception is oriented in the five basic senses. It is concrete, short-range and based on what is felt in the moment. He does not comprehend the concept of death. A person is gone; then a person is there. In some cases, when a person disappears and fails to return to the child when expected, he may grieve every time he feels the loss. In other cases, the child may not grieve at all until the accumulative affect of loss inspires a longing or aching protest within the him. The child will miss the specific elements of the person: the sound of her voice, his expressions, her smell, the activities they experienced together. Therefore, adults can expect a child to begin grieving when they feel the loss, not when they hear about it.
Extend Concrete Blessings:
Children think from a concrete perspective. In order to lessen confusion about the loss, use the words “death” and “dying” when you speak of it. By answering questions simply and honestly and avoiding the use of euphemisms such as “passed on” or “went to sleep” the child will begin to make appropriate associations to death. Do not feel like you need to share too much detail. If a child wants to know more, he will most certainly ask. This allows you to discover if the child is listening because they want to talk about the loss or if they’re listening for your benefit. Agitation, fidgeting and lack of eye contact are signs of the latter.
Help Them Believe the Truth:
Children tend to generalize very specific situations. If someone dies in a hospital, children begin to believe hospitals are for dying. If someone dies in their sleep, children can become afraid to go to sleep themselves. If one person died they may think everyone is going to die, or that they are going to die themselves. You can help them accommodate new truths on their own if you allow them to express themselves and test their beliefs (such as going to sleep and waking up alive).
Eradicate Confusion With Repetition
Children may ask questions repetitively. The answers they hear often do not resolve their searching. The searching itself is part of their grief work. Their questions are indicative of their feelings of confusion and uncertainty. By answering repetitively and sometimes, telling the story over and over and over again, you will be supporting them while grieving.
Watch Their Body Language
The older children are, the more capable they are of expressing themselves in words. Younger children express their feelings with their body. Movement and active play yield communication. Watch their bodies and understand their play as their language of grief. You may want to reflect their play verbally and physically as a way of supporting their communication. This can help them feel heard and may prompt them to continue communicating with you through play. For example, “You are bouncing, bouncing, bouncing on those pillows; your face is red, and you are yelling loudly.”
To Be Continued…
(Material for this blog post was attained from The Dougy Center – The National Center for Grieving Children and Families Young Children and Grief)
Everyone gets angry. But people who “fly off the handle” easily may be at greater risk for heart attacks or other illnesses—not to mention the risks of damaged relationships, unfulfilling lives, feelings of worthlessness, and even trouble with the law. Test your temper with this thriving quiz, to see how much risky business there is in your life and get help before things explode.
True or False
1. I feel infuriated when I do a good job and no one in my family recognizes it.
2. When other people’s mistakes slow me down, it can upset me for the whole day.
3. When I get mad, I say nasty things.
4. I feel annoyed when I’m not given recognition for doing good work.
5. I feel like hitting someone who makes me very angry.
6. I feel stupid and inadequate in challenging situations, and I hate that.
7. I get furious when I’m criticized, corrected or embarrassed in front of others.
8. Sometimes I feel so powerless with parenting my children .
9. I often wish people who have hurt me could be punished somehow.
10. It doesn’t take much to get me mad.
11. People call me hotheaded and tell me I should calm down.
12. I blow up at terrible drivers.
13. I have a hard time forgiving others when they hurt or frustrate me.
14. I hate the way I get treated at restaurants or stores.
15. I swear loudly to blow off steam.
16. I’m a very ambitious person, so sometimes I get impatient and angry with other people.
17. I’ve been known to break things when I’m frustrated.
If you answered “true” more often than “false,” you may have a problem controlling your anger. It’s helpful to realize that underneath anger are usually feelings of fear and hurt. Understanding your deepest feelings will help you curb your anger, get along better with co-workers and bosses, improve relationships and improve your life. Here are some healthier ways to respond to anger.
1. Practice intentionally laughing at yourself or at a difficult situation.
2. When you’re really angry, remove yourself from the situation and go for a walk or do some light exercise.
3. Try to use “I messages” as much as you can instead of pointing fingers.
4. When you begin to feel angry about a situation, try to step back and figure out why you have let other people get to you.
5. Understand where your anger comes from, as well as your habit of acting out angrily, and actively trying to learn a different way.
6. Accept the fact that only you can make yourself feel anger, that it is actually your choice to feel or not feel anger.
For more healthy ways to respond to situations and people who make you angry, please explore San Diego Counseling at The Center for Family Unity.
