Oh that good ‘ole summertime…fun times, family get togethers, beach and barbecues and bickering! During the summer the structure of school is gone and the togetherness can become too much. The Center for Family Unity can help you sort out what is normal bickering and how to know when the situation is beginning to heat up so that we can give you the tools to help your children shift gears.
Level I: Normal Bickering.
Ignore it. Think about your next vacation.
Tell yourself the children are having an important experience in conflict resolution.
Level II: Situation Heating up. Adult Intervention Might Be Helpful
Acknowledge their anger.
“You two sound mad at each other!”
Reflect each child’s point of view.
“So Sarah, you want to keep on holding the puppy, because he’s just settled down in your arms. And Billy, you feel you’re entitled to a turn too.”
Describe the problem with respect.
“That’s a tough one: Two children and only one puppy.”
Express confidence in the children’s ability to find their own solution.
“I have confidence that you two can work out a solution that’s fair to each of you…and fair to the puppy.”
Leave the room.
Level III: Situation Possibly Dangerous
Inquire
“Is this a play fight or a real fight?” (play fights are permitted. Real fights are not.)
Let the children know:
“Play fighting by mutual consent only.” (if it’s not fun for both, it has to stop.)
Respect your own feelings:
“You may be playing, but it’s too rough for me. You need to find another activity.”
Sex is play. It is celebration—the glue that keeps a relationship together during difficult times. However, keeping that sexual spark alive in a marriage or a long-term relationship can be a challenge. Sometimes life takes us over and like a wet blanket, stress smothers the spark. But couples that take the time to cultivate a loving and tender relationship will reap the reward of feeling more connected. These couples also tend to be more physically healthy!
Take the quiz below to find out if you have a thriving sex life!
Answer True or False:
1. My partner and I communicate in an open and loving manner about most things that matter to us.
2. I am able to articulate my sexual needs to myself. I know what I like and what I don’t like.
3. I communicate those likes and dislikes to my partner. I don’t expect him or her to “just know” how to please me.
4. Without judgment or embarrassment, I talk openly and fearlessly with my partner about my thoughts and feelings about sex.
5. I share my sexual hopes, dreams, and aspirations in an intimate manner with my partner.
6. I avoid making assumptions about what does and doesn’t turn on my partner. I ask for feedback and guidance.
7. Experimentation and play are key elements in my sexual relationship.
8. I have realistic expectations of my partner and I avoid being overly demanding.
9. I enjoy having sex with my partner on a regular basis.
10. I look forward to having sex with my partner and do not see it as a chore or obligation.
11. My partner and I make time for sex and don’t allow it to end up on the back burner.
12. I leave unexpected notes and surprise gifts for my partner.
13. Foreplay is an integral part of my sex life.
14. My partner and I are able to embrace and incorporate each other’s turn-ons in a healthy and loving manner.
If you marked true on most of the questions, your sex life is likely healthy and vibrant. If you marked “false” on most of the questions, don’t worry. Cultivating a loving sexual relationship with your partner is possible. Jack Morin, author of The Erotic Mind, recommends that couples hone their communication skills as a first step towards a healthy sex life. For more information or to discuss your responses to this quiz, call The Center for Family Unity at 619-884-0601
Watching your child grow up and start talking about topics like dating and crushes can be intimidating. It can also bring up a lot of questions. Are they ready to date? Are you ready for them to date? If you’ve decided the answers to those questions are “yes”, then it’s time to make sure that everything is done in a way that is open and healthy for the family and for your teen.
What does that mean? It means communicating with your teen to make sure they understand the boundaries you set in place and also communicating to them what they should expect from a healthy relationship at their age. Take a look at our video for some safeguards you can put in place to help your teen navigate the world of dating. If you are eager to learn more about how to parent and communicate with your teen, contact us today at 619-884-0601
One of the most important investments you can make in your marriage is finding the answer to the question “How can I show my spouse I love them?” The fact is that many spouses love their mate, but miss the mark when searching for specific ways they can make their mate feel well loved. It is confusing and hurtful when efforts to express love fail, just as it is confusing and hurtful when a mate does not feel well loved. Fortunately, it is possible for you to learn how to knock the ball out of the park in your efforts show your mate you love them. In addition, couples counseling in San Diego is available for couples that simply want to learn how to love their spouse better—even if they’re not in crisis.
Learning to Express Love
Most people learn to express love for their spouse based on three things:
how they like to be loved,
what worked in their past experiences,
and observing role models.
The media, lyrics in songs, and commercials all portray examples of how to love others. It is possible to fall short by copying even the best role model, because what you are doing is not the way your spouse prefers to receive your love.
A good starting point is to learn more about the five basic ways people prefer to receive love, and identify your spouse’s preferred method. Having that knowledge is what makes it possible for you to express your love, in the most powerful way, to your mate. Many couples find reading Dr. Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages to be one of the most valuable investments they ever make in their marriage.
Start by asking your spouse to show you the best way you can communicate your love for them. Listen to their response, and take notes. Inquire if the things you typically do make them feel loved, or if you are missing the mark. Their answers may surprise you,
because they may interpret your efforts in a very different manner than you intended. For example, if you express your love to your wife with a gift of expensive lingerie, she may interpret the gift as a request for a sexual encounter. By the same token, if a wife expresses her love for her husband with a gift card to a home improvement center, her husband may interpret the gift as a reminder of things he needs to fix around the house. Well intended gestures to express love to your spouse can backfire, if you are unaware of your mate’s preferences.
A second way to show your spouse you love them is to treat them with respect. This requires monitoring your communication to them and about them. Dr. Gottman’s research has shown that happily married couples treat each other with respect, affection, and empathy- like good friends. One very powerful way to love and respect your spouse is to make a rule you will not criticize them in public. Instead, speak highly of them in front of others. Resolve conflict gently and in private.
How NOT to Love
Contempt, sarcasm, mocking, and attacks on your partner’s character convince your spouse you do NOT love them. If you have a quick wit, and enjoy entertaining others with your comments, be careful your spouse is not the brunt of your jokes. If you want to show your spouse you love them, you will need to replace negative behaviors with behaviors that build into the marriage, and convey your love for them. The good news is that practicing small repeated changes in behavior can make a big difference in a marriage. You can learn more about positive behaviors, and how couples have transformed their marriages by reading Predicting Divorce to Preventing It.
A third way to show your spouse you love them is to learn how to fully forgive mistakes your spouse has made. If your mate has done something you feel is “unforgivable,” it will continue to fester, preventing you from loving your spouse well. Forgiving them fully will enable you to love them as you promised to do in your wedding vows.
To love and be loved is one of the most fundamental needs in life. The counselors at The Center for Family Unity are experienced in helping couples learn to express their love to their spouses, in ways their spouse feels well loved. We encourage you to call for a free 20 minute consultation to discuss how we can assist you in your desire to show your spouse you love them. We can help you with the practical application of this information to your own life, and assist you as you work through any stumbling blocks that are preventing you from expressing your love. Call us today at 618-884-0601
