Are you looking for ways to save your marriage and wondering if marriage counseling would help? There are some unique benefits to marriage counseling as opposed to other types of therapy. According to a study by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, 97% of the clients seen in marriage counseling indicated they received the help they needed. Two other benefits of marriage counseling are that this type of therapy takes less time than individual therapy, and is often less expensive than seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist. Couples also find it appealing that the marriage counselor or therapist is considered an expert in relationships, while other therapists may as a matter of training and practice have more of a focus on pathology and diagnosis.
Finding a good match with a therapist involves a little ground work. Before you make an appointment, ask for a free consultation and interview at least three potential marital therapists. Get a sense of their communication style, training, and therapeutic approach. For therapy to work you will need a good connection with a therapist that has expertise dealing with your concerns. The therapist won’t fix your marriage—you will do the work; however, you need to have confidence your therapist is steering you in the right direction.
Couples that are committed to their marriage, and refuse to consider the option of a failed marriage, have greater success in therapy than couples who consider tossing in the towel when things get difficult. Counseling is most successful when partners are truthful about their thoughts and feelings, so problems are revealed and resolved. Part of the counselor’s work is to help couples communicate in a way conflicts can be resolved instead of rehashed in arguments. Replacing old behaviors and learning new ways of thinking takes both time, and practice. Couples need to allow enough time for change to occur. Couples counseling can’t “save” a marriage when one or both partners has made a firm decision to leave the marriage. While it does not keep the marriage together, it can help the couple end the marriage in the least traumatic way possible.
Problems with mental illness and addiction may respond initially to a different type of treatment, with couples counseling being offered when the mental illness and/or addiction is fairly well managed. Marriage counseling is not an appropriate therapy for physical abuse. For more information on treatment of physical abuse call the San Diego Domestic Violence Hotline @1-888-385-4657 or dial 911.
Marriage counseling has the maximum potential to save your marriage when:
The couple finds a good match with a therapist
The therapist has the training and expertise the couple needs
The couple actively participates in the work of therapy
The couple is committed to the marriage, and failure is not an option
Partners are truthful, and the real problem(s) is in the light
Couples allow enough time for change to occur
Couples learn new behaviors and ways of thinking
Mental illness, addiction, or abuse are an issue
Couples learn to forgive mistakes, and move on
Couples celebrate their progress in working toward a healthy marriage
Be encouraged. Most couples benefit from marriage counseling. The Center for Family Unity offers a free 20 minute consultation for couples that are looking for a marriage therapist. We invite you to schedule a consultation so we can discuss the concerns you have and learn how we can help save your marriage. A healthy marriage is one of life’s greatest blessings.
Dating can be a roller coaster of highs and lows—especially for the divorced parent. Here are five tips to keep in mind while dating after divorce with children:
Acknowledge that your children are likely hoping you will re-unite with your ex-spouse. Clarify the truth for them.
Let your children know you intend to date.
Wait several months, until your relationship is serious, to meet each other’s children.
Tell your ex you’re dating before you tell your kids. The children should not feel pressure to keep secrets for you.
Ask your children if they would like to meet your date and accept the fact they may not be ready. If they are, give them the opportunity to be involved in planning the first meeting.
For help navigating the complex experience of dating after divorce with children, we invite you to make an appointment at The Center for Family Unity. Contact us at 619-884-0601 or visit us online today.
If you value honesty, it is a gut-wrenching moment the first time your child tells you a bold-faced lie. Parents interpret being lied to by their child as a crisis in morality. It is a huge disappointment. Here’s something that might surprise you. The experts are often at the opposite end of the spectrum—many suggest the child’s first lie is actually a mark of achievement to be celebrated! What is the truth about kids and lying, and what, if anything, parents should do about lying?
Between the age of two and three, children learn the powerful word “No.” About the same time, they start to discover they are separate from their parents. The first lie is the first step in the process.
By the age of five, they clearly know the difference between lying and telling the truth.
Between the ages of six and eight, they grasp the concept of telling a “white lie.”
By ten or eleven, most children can lie very well.
During the teen years, lies may increase, as the teen continues to explore separating from parents. Some teens excuse their deception with the belief, “My parents don’t trust me anyway, so I might as well lie. Besides, I am old enough to make decisions.”
Adults lie for a variety of reasons: To avoid punishment, to avoid doing tasks, because they fear consequences, to get what they want, to avoid embarrassment, and to stay in someone’s good graces. Fear is often the driving force fueling a lie. Kids lie for many of the same reasons adults lie. Kids also lie in response to fear.
Lying is a Learned Habit
Parents unwittingly teach their children how to lie, each time they call in sick faking a cough so they can have a mental health day, or claim traffic caused them to be late, when in reality they overslept. One study reported 60% of the adults lie in a short 10-minute conversation. Society condones some lies. Telling a “white lie” to spare someone’s feelings is acceptable, such as when you tell your elderly aunt you love the fruit cake she makes, when in reality, you use it as a door stop.
How to Handle Kids and Lying
Victoria Talwar, an expert on kids and lying, says parents often entrap their kids, and put them in positions to lie. Parents do this in part by asking questions they already know the answer to. Here is an example:
Pam notices frosting on her three-year-old’s face, and a bite out of a cupcake.
Pam already knows the answer to the question, but asks in a disapproving voice, “Did you take a bite out of the cupcake?”
Hearing her mother’s angry tone, the child answers, “No, Tommy (her imaginary friend) did it.”
This three-year-old’s fib is an attempt to problem solve. The child is motivated by the desire to please her mother. Fearing punishment, she fibs, trying to shift the blame to an imaginary friend – her scapegoat. At three, she has a hard time knowing the difference between what is real and what is imaginary. Things go from bad to worse, as her mommy yells at her in anger, calling her a liar.
Pam could have encouraged her child to tell the truth by commenting about the frosting and cupcake, stating in a calm voice that as a consequence there would be no desert. Pam could have given her child another chance to explain about the cupcake and then rewarded her for honesty.
A wonderful teaching opportunity could have followed, as Pam told her little girl how much she loved honesty, and perhaps read her a story that focused on the positive consequences of honesty, like ”George Washington and the Cherry Tree.” Research has proven reading classic moral stories to children with themes that reward honesty is effective in promoting truth-telling in children. Reading stories with negative consequences of dishonesty (such as Pinocchio) does not promote truth telling in children.
Promoting Honesty in Your Family
The next time your child lies to you, be mindful of your response. Using the interrogative words how, when, and where will encourage your child to describe the situation in detail, and give them an opportunity to tell the truth. A sentence that starts with the word “why” puts both children and adults on the defensive.
Be sure to celebrate when your child tells the truth, even when you disagree with your child’s behavior. Telling the truth can be hard. Use the moment to share with them a time you found it hard to tell the truth, but are glad you did.
Ask a trusted friend to be brutally honest in giving you feed back about your parenting style. Do they think your children might fear the consequences for telling you the truth? Would you like help in learning how to promote honesty in your family? Are you having difficulty knowing if your child’s lying is a symptom of a more difficult problem?
