Once there was a woman. I will call her Janet. She was struggling immensely with her marriage and her pocket book. Her business was failing, her home was close to foreclosure and her husband wanted a divorce. While her world seemed to be falling down around her she wondered why her years of positive affirmations and visualization were mounting toward such seemingly negative drama. She asked “Why am I creating exactly the opposite of what I want?”
There is actually a deeper reason Janet attracted the challenges she faced. Because of challenges of her youth, Janet actually believed she didn’t deserve abundance or joy in her life. This engrained perception left Janet attracting situations where she would subconsciously validate this belief that she somehow, wasn’t worthy enough to receive the blessings she prayed for.
Generally when we struggle to create abundance in our lives, whether it’s a great flow of money or more love in our relationships, hidden feelings of being “less than” others or “underserving of blessings and goodness” leave us unknowingly sabotaging our success.
Sometimes in order to attract the very thing we want, we need to change something within ourselves so we can become the kind of person we attract, and achieve our greatest wish. Because deep personal change can be brought about through personal trails and challenges, it’s not common for those who seek something new in their lives to unknowingly manifest personal struggles as part of their learning process on the road to transformation and change.
Often we can misjudge our circumstances (or other’s) as failures and further evidence of trouble, when in fact sometimes, ill circumstances are a sign of personal transformation.
Here are 10 tips to creating abundance in your life:
Maintain focus…Keep your eye on the ball. Indecision breeds procrastination. You can hit only what you aim at. Outdoorsmen always sight in a gun before hunting. Your goals should be no different. It requires regular focus to hit them. To gain focus, consider using essential oils like cassia, lime, germanium or lavender–they are grounding and helpful when transitioning out of denial and moving forward.
Be honest—always. Nothing will make your life more complicated that lying to yourself or others. Facing circumstances squarely may seem challenging, but it’s the simplest way to live a healthy and joyful life. Remember honesty is what you say to yourself and not only what you say to others. To promote honesty with yourself, consider using frankincense or wild orange essential oils.
Prepare. Everything you need or want has a way of showing up as soon as you are ready for it. The sooner you are prepared, the faster you’ll realize results. The sooner you’re prepared, the faster you’ll realize results. Lemon and basil essential oils actually clear out the toxic fog in your brain.
Have faith. Hopeful wishing is an excellent started, but a not so good finisher. It is faith coupled with perseverance that leads you across the finish line. Faith comes after hope-it is believing without doubt. Experiment with myrrh or sandalwood oils to balance your head and heart and bring you home to truth, which leads to faith.
Keep it positive. The three things you have full power over are your thoughts, words and actions. Orange, bergamot and vetiver essential oils influence what you think, say and do!
Stay educated. Knowledge is the key that unlocks the door to dreams. Your individual success will depend upon increasing intelligence. Lemon, peppermint and sandalwood oils support knowledge integration.
Be courageous. Breaking out of old complicated patterns takes guts! If your purpose is worthy and your pursuit is sincere, with bravery you can establish behavior patterns, thoughts, and choices that feed simple, happy and successful lives.
Go the extra mile. When you are spiritually compelled to reach out and serve, do it with high definition! It is a spiritual truth that which you put out comes back to you 100 fold. Serve! Go the extra mile! Geranium, immortelle grapefruit or white fir essential oils will support you in this process.
Drop the ego you can’t become the master of anything until you become the master of your own ego. While believing in yourself is important and healthy if your success is ego based, your failure is imminent.
Be willing to work. Healthy self-esteem grows with good old-fashioned hard work. Anyone whose hit his mark will tell you that dreams aren’t made without it.
Not sure where to start? Pick one tip. Integrate it into your life this week. Then, move on to another one next week.
Need support or want to learn more about how to create abundance in your life?
How and What to Reveal
Writer Pat Love asks, “What is intimacy?” and then answers her own question, “Into me, see.” It’s not that to be intimate you need be transparent, or that every thought, feeling or story must be shared with your partner—but intimacy flourishes in a climate in which it’s safe to disclose parts of your experience that cut closer and closer to your private self.
Sometimes, though, a longing for connection can lead to disclosing too much too soon, or telling a new partner more than he or she is ready to know or needs to know. In some cases it leads to opening up too much about ourselves or people close to us, when discretion might be the better choice.
Consider following the Rule of Three: Let a disclosure come to mind three times before sharing it, rather than saying everything exactly as it occurs. Those things that recur are the ones that really belong to the relationship.
Remember, time is a necessary part of the intimacy equation. The thrill and power of the first weeks of a passionate relationship encourage self-disclosure and lots of sharing, but no matter how strong the connection, some things can come to light only after trust has been built.
Intimacy with boundaries
Few words in our language are asked to carry as much weight as intimacy. Do a quick web search with intimacy as your keyword, and you are guaranteed to find a wide range of articles and hundreds of books offering advice on how to find and keep it, or deal with not having it. Peruse some of these and you’ll often find confusion about just what intimacy is.
Often it is used as a synonym for sex. TV hasn’t helped. How often have you heard lawyers in courtroom dramas ask a cornered witness, “Were you…intimate with the deceased?” in a tone that’s clearly not asking about the level of emotional honesty and trust in the relationship!
The usual culprit is the confusion of intimacy with fusion, a boundary-less merging with a partner that erases differences. That kind of longing leads to the romantic inflations and disappointments that litter the path of relationships and fuel dynamics that subvert true intimacy—one partner’s fear of being abandoned countered by the other partner’s corresponding fear of being engulfed.
Appoint your partner ‘guardian of your solitude’
The great poet Rilke advised a young friend: “It is a question in marriage…not of creating a quick community of spirit by tearing down and destroying all boundaries, but rather a good marriage is one in which each appoints the other guardian of his solitude, and shows him this confidence, the greatest in his power to bestow.”
Rilke’s comments, applicable to all committed partnerships, point to the mutual respect and clear-eyed seeing that form the basis for genuine intimacy. It’s built by going through difficult doorways: the moment of risk before bringing up a hard subject or the challenge of listening with openness to some honest feedback we’d rather not be hearing.
The importance of trust
If your relationships lack intimacy, look to see where trust has been broken; that’s the hole in the fence that needs to be patched first. Ask yourself how you’ve contributed to the lowering of trust, not just in big ways but in the small ones that communicate our attitudes. Are you available to listen without comment, despite strong feelings being stirred when you have disagreements? Do you allow your partner to express him or herself fully? Do you attempt to elicit a fuller range of feelings? And when they’re expressed, do you actually hear them or do you dispute them? Do you respond as you wish to be responded to? Do you talk when you need to? Is your feedback, even if expressing a resentment, couched in the language of “I” or with a finger-pointing “you?”
Watch out for old baggage
Intimacy is particularly vulnerable to the unexamined influences of our earlier lives, to our search in our partners for an ideal parent or attempts to recreate failed strategies of the past. Authentic contact with significant others can replace those fantasy aspects with the power of genuine meeting.
Check for little pockets of unconsciousness that may be blocking you or your partner from contact. Do you find yourself sounding “just like mother or father?” Is your partner behaving “exactly the way my ex behaved,” or accusing you of doing so? Have you awoken with dreams that merge your partner with someone from your past? If so, a conversation with a counselor at The Center for Family Unity can often help sweep away those old cobwebs.
Rilke’s advice ends with a reminder of the connection between intimacy and a healthy ability to maintain what’s separate: “Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings, an infinite distance continues to exist, a wonderful living side-by-side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible to see each other whole and against a wide sky!”
Eager to learn more about healthy intimacy?
Contact The Center For Family Unity
619.884.0601
One of the hardest things we’ll ever experience is the loss of someone—or something—dear to us. Grieving is a normal and natural response to loss. While death is one of the most common losses, grief also comes with other big and small life changes, such as a serious illness, the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, relocating to an unfamiliar city, and other lifestyle changes.
Even if you aren’t currently grieving, it can be beneficial to think about the grief process. At its core, grief is a part of the experience of being alive…and human. And while grief isn’t pleasant, it can give us insight, compassion and strength that we wouldn’t otherwise have found.
Here are some ways to access those greater qualities, survive a significant loss or help someone experiencing grief.
1. Expect a process.
In stark contrast to how frequently TV characters talk about “getting closure,” in reality, grief is an ongoing experience. The goal of grieving isn’t to “get to the bottom of it” or to stop feeling a certain way. Instead, it’s a process of learning to live with your emotions every day and every moment. Even years later, reminders like a special day or the smell of a favorite meal may trigger a fresh wave of memories and feelings linked to the loss.
2. Acknowledge the loss.
“When a person is born we rejoice, and when they’re married we jubilate,” wrote Margaret Mead, “but when they die we try to pretend nothing has happened.” If someone in your life is grieving, do your best to acknowledge that something has happened. Avoid clichés. Don’t force a conversation if the person isn’t ready to talk. While it may feel awkward, a simple gesture like a hug or sitting together in silence can have meaning. An offer to help with a household task, such as running errands or making a meal, can also go a long way. Praying with the grieving person can give them a sense of deep connection with the Lord and with you the person who cares.
Casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you 1 Peter 5:7
3. Do the grief work.
In our fast-paced world, we tend to expect things to be quick, direct and convenient. Living with grief isn’t any of these things. There is no “one-size-fits-all” solution, no series of steps to make it hurt less, no magical approach that shortens the time it takes to heal. Instead, living with grief requires us to feel our feelings, fully and completely. In the words of poet Emily Dickinson: “The best way out is through.”
4. Ask for help.
Lean on your support system. If you’re not sure how to ask for help, “I’m having a hard time…” is a good way to start. If you need help beyond what your friends and family can provide, seek the support of a grief group as well as your counselor or therapist.
As with any process, it takes time to learn new skills and ways to cope with grief. Be gentle with yourself as you experience strong feelings. That kindness toward yourself can be the important first step toward a broader healing that will have ramifications after the grief has subsided. Try to never forget that Jesus walked the path of grief and loss in human form, He understands loss and is always there to give you comfort.
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds
Psalm 147: 3
A Psalm of David. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows
From the second they arrive on the planet, just inches long and utterly dependent, our children occupy a place in our hearts deeper than most any other relationship.
We nurture, guide, feed and protect them for years. The relationship brings us a complex mixture of joy, frustration, sadness, delight, anger, pride and love. Our children occupy our focus like nothing else, as they grow taller and more independent with every year.
And then they go away.
Of course, we knew that from the beginning. And that’s been the goal all along.
But that doesn’t make an empty nest any easier when it finally comes.
Fortunately, an empty nest is also the beginning of another era for parents, one that can be equally fulfilling.
Varied Reactions to the Empty Nest
Several recent studies have shed light on what’s often referred to as “empty nest syndrome“—that is, the feelings of grief that arise when children leave home for college, jobs or marriage. Here are a few of their findings:
Feelings of loss are not exclusive to women. Men feel just as much loss and may actually be less emotionally prepared to deal with those feelings.
Most women don’t fall apart. Unlike the common perception, it’s not typical for most women to experience lingering depression, or loss of purpose and identity. Though they experienced sadness, mothers in a 2008 University of Missouri study spoke more about their pride and joy in watching their kids make this transition and the relief they felt in seeing the fruits of their labor realized.
Happier partnerships. Contrary to the image of couples having trouble after the kids are gone, empty nesters of both genders reported their marital satisfaction was improved because they spent more quality time together.
Some Parents Suffer
Not everyone cries for a week and then moves on with life. Some parents really suffer.
Carin Rubenstein, PhD, author of Beyond the Mommy Years: How to Live Happily Ever After…After the Kids Leave Home, says that about 10% of mothers are more severely affected when their children leave home, and the problem may be more long-term.
Research suggests that those who experience the most long-term pain have these things in common:
• They consider change stressful and to be avoided.
• Their marriage is rocky.
• They worry that their children aren’t ready for adult responsibilities.
• They have a weaker sense of self-worth; their identity is tied to being a parent.
• Their own experience of moving away from their parents was difficult.
• Other “letting go“ times, such as weaning or sending children to school, were painful.
• They are full-time parents, with no other paid employment or self-employment.
How to Get Through It
If you are having severe reactions, such as crying excessively, feeling so sad you don’t want to see friends or go to work, or feeling as though your useful life has ended), consider seeking professional help at the Center for Family Unity.
For most parents, the following suggestions will help you get through the transition:
Feel your feelings. But don’t burden your children with them. Once they’ve left, ration your calls to once or twice a week. Try texting. The more they feel you clinging, the more they’ll pull away.
Get support. If you’re going through menopause, or having to care for elderly parents, your feelings may be exacerbated. Speak with a physician if you’re experiencing difficult menopausal symptoms, and consider ways to take a break from your caregiving to take care of YOU.
Be proactive. As much as possible, make family plans while everyone is still under the same roof. Plan family vacations, take time off from work for special days, and take advantage of all opportunities to talk with your child.
Dream and do. Use your greater freedom and relaxed responsibility to get back in touch with your own dreams and aspirations. Make a list of all the hobbies you’d like to pursue, or classes you’d like to take. Spend time that you didn’t have before developing new friendships. Dive into that new business or career that you’ve been dreaming about.
Above all, forgive yourself for not being a “perfect“ parent, and acknowledge all that you’ve been able to provide for your children. Focus on letting go and trusting that your child is on his or her path—bumps and all—and will be fine. And you will be, too.
All relationships have their complications, but step-families create a web of relationships and inter-relationships that make the average spider’s overnight spinning look simple in comparison.
Consider these possible variations: the woman may be wife, ex-wife, mother and step-mother. Her relationships might include her husband, her ex-husband, her children and her step-children, and her step-children’s mother who is her new husband’s ex-wife. If her ex-husband has remarried, then her relationship circle also includes his wife who is now her children’s step-mother. And, his new wife might have children of her own.
Change the genders and the man/husband/father’s roles are just as complex.
Now consider the children. Parents, step-parents, step-siblings. And we haven’t even talked about extended family — aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins. Considering that each individual relationship comes with its own set of potholes, it isn’t any wonder that the blended family might be in for a bumpy ride.
Feelings of loss, grief, guilt, anger, jealousy, loyalty conflicts, resentments, hurt, betrayal, rejection — these are just a few of the feelings family members may experience. Parents who are undergoing the stress and tension of divorce and remarriage may have less time and stamina to deal with their own feelings let alone the children’s emotional turmoil.
• New and different ways of doing things. When a family is forming, the members have no shared family histories or shared ways of doing things. From the way the table is set and how the holidays are celebrated to discipline and chores — everything must sorted out, discussed, and agreed upon.
• Roles and responsibilities change and expectations run high. The mother of one may suddenly become the stepmother of three. The youngest child may no longer be the baby and the oldest may lose her position, too. Time and space need to be reckoned with. Parents may expect their new spouse to love their children immediately and for all the children to become instant best friends.
The difficulties facing a blended family may be many, but where there are challenges there are also opportunities. To build strong bonds within your blended family, we suggest you intentionally:
• Acknowledge the river of feelings and encourage expression.
• Allow time for dealing with the issues these feelings raise and time for mourning losses.
• Be open to new ways of doing things. Be flexible. Whenever possible include everyone in the decision-making process.
• Communicate. Talk and listen.
• Maintain and nurture original parent-child relationships.
• Support and include one another. Plan time for family activities.
• Encourage friendships; let relationships develop in their own time.
• Maintain a sense of humor and play.
Ask for help from other family members, support groups, community-based programs, clergy, and your therapist.
Those who plan ahead and communicate about potential problems, face issues as they arise, support one another and seek help when it is needed, build strong bonds. And those bonds are the foundation that supports every healthy and loving family.
The holidays are a time of “more.” More parties. More social gatherings. More celebrations. And more drinking. Many of the usual drinking rules are relaxed during the holiday season. For example, drinking in the daytime becomes acceptable, even at the office. As a result, more drinking and driving occurs during the holidays than any other time of the year.
Here are some warning signs to watch for if you think someone you love may have a drinking problem:
• Drinking early in the day.
• Excessive drinking (drinking every day or every few days, or drinking increased quantities).
• Continuing to drink when they’ve “had enough.”
• Denying they’ve “had enough.”
• Urging others to “have one more” when they’ve said “no thanks.”
• Including alcohol in every activity.
• Always making sure there’s “enough” alcohol (buying excess liquor for gatherings).
• Refusing to discuss it when someone expresses concern about their drinking.
The most common symptom of alcoholism is denial that there’s a problem. And yet, the first step in recovery is admitting there might be a problem.
20 questions to ask someone that you suspect has a drinking problem:
1. Do you lose time from work due to your drinking?
2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?
7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family’s welfare?
9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
11. Do you want a drink the next morning?
12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
15. Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?
16. Do you drink alone?
17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?
18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
20. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
If the answer to three or more of these questions was “yes,” there may indeed be a drinking problem that needs to be addressed.
Alcoholism is a family disease. That means it affects not just the person who drinks, but everyone in the family—they’re called co-alcoholics, and they may need help as much as the alcoholic.
If alcohol is causing a problem in your life during the holidays and you’d like to talk about it, we invite you to call us and begin your healing journey.
If a child in your life has recently experienced a death or loss, it’s important to understand how he/she may grieve and what you can do to help him/her through it. Many adults are surprised when they learn that yes, even infants grieve. Children of all ages sense when someone is missing. Yet because children often grieve differently than the adults that care for them, it’s common for parents and caretakers to be concerned when their child shows no visible grief or initial reaction when learning of the loss.
Understand How Young Children Grieve:
A young child’s perception is oriented in the five basic senses. It is concrete, short-range and based on what is felt in the moment. He does not comprehend the concept of death. A person is gone; then a person is there. In some cases, when a person disappears and fails to return to the child when expected, he may grieve every time he feels the loss. In other cases, the child may not grieve at all until the accumulative affect of loss inspires a longing or aching protest within the him. The child will miss the specific elements of the person: the sound of her voice, his expressions, her smell, the activities they experienced together. Therefore, adults can expect a child to begin grieving when they feel the loss, not when they hear about it.
Extend Concrete Blessings:
Children think from a concrete perspective. In order to lessen confusion about the loss, use the words “death” and “dying” when you speak of it. By answering questions simply and honestly and avoiding the use of euphemisms such as “passed on” or “went to sleep” the child will begin to make appropriate associations to death. Do not feel like you need to share too much detail. If a child wants to know more, he will most certainly ask. This allows you to discover if the child is listening because they want to talk about the loss or if they’re listening for your benefit. Agitation, fidgeting and lack of eye contact are signs of the latter.
Help Them Believe the Truth:
Children tend to generalize very specific situations. If someone dies in a hospital, children begin to believe hospitals are for dying. If someone dies in their sleep, children can become afraid to go to sleep themselves. If one person died they may think everyone is going to die, or that they are going to die themselves. You can help them accommodate new truths on their own if you allow them to express themselves and test their beliefs (such as going to sleep and waking up alive).
Eradicate Confusion With Repetition
Children may ask questions repetitively. The answers they hear often do not resolve their searching. The searching itself is part of their grief work. Their questions are indicative of their feelings of confusion and uncertainty. By answering repetitively and sometimes, telling the story over and over and over again, you will be supporting them while grieving.
Watch Their Body Language
The older children are, the more capable they are of expressing themselves in words. Younger children express their feelings with their body. Movement and active play yield communication. Watch their bodies and understand their play as their language of grief. You may want to reflect their play verbally and physically as a way of supporting their communication. This can help them feel heard and may prompt them to continue communicating with you through play. For example, “You are bouncing, bouncing, bouncing on those pillows; your face is red, and you are yelling loudly.”
To Be Continued…
(Material for this blog post was attained from The Dougy Center – The National Center for Grieving Children and Families Young Children and Grief)
Everyone gets angry. But people who “fly off the handle” easily may be at greater risk for heart attacks or other illnesses—not to mention the risks of damaged relationships, unfulfilling lives, feelings of worthlessness, and even trouble with the law. Test your temper with this thriving quiz, to see how much risky business there is in your life and get help before things explode.
True or False
1. I feel infuriated when I do a good job and no one in my family recognizes it.
2. When other people’s mistakes slow me down, it can upset me for the whole day.
3. When I get mad, I say nasty things.
4. I feel annoyed when I’m not given recognition for doing good work.
5. I feel like hitting someone who makes me very angry.
6. I feel stupid and inadequate in challenging situations, and I hate that.
7. I get furious when I’m criticized, corrected or embarrassed in front of others.
8. Sometimes I feel so powerless with parenting my children .
9. I often wish people who have hurt me could be punished somehow.
10. It doesn’t take much to get me mad.
11. People call me hotheaded and tell me I should calm down.
12. I blow up at terrible drivers.
13. I have a hard time forgiving others when they hurt or frustrate me.
14. I hate the way I get treated at restaurants or stores.
15. I swear loudly to blow off steam.
16. I’m a very ambitious person, so sometimes I get impatient and angry with other people.
17. I’ve been known to break things when I’m frustrated.
If you answered “true” more often than “false,” you may have a problem controlling your anger. It’s helpful to realize that underneath anger are usually feelings of fear and hurt. Understanding your deepest feelings will help you curb your anger, get along better with co-workers and bosses, improve relationships and improve your life. Here are some healthier ways to respond to anger.
1. Practice intentionally laughing at yourself or at a difficult situation.
2. When you’re really angry, remove yourself from the situation and go for a walk or do some light exercise.
3. Try to use “I messages” as much as you can instead of pointing fingers.
4. When you begin to feel angry about a situation, try to step back and figure out why you have let other people get to you.
5. Understand where your anger comes from, as well as your habit of acting out angrily, and actively trying to learn a different way.
6. Accept the fact that only you can make yourself feel anger, that it is actually your choice to feel or not feel anger.
For more healthy ways to respond to situations and people who make you angry, please explore San Diego Counseling at The Center for Family Unity.
