If you are in the midst of a divorce, you’ve likely heard these words. And as
hurting parents, we hope it’s true. We pray that our children will walk through the
pain with few scars and little emotional pain. But while children do learn to adapt
in even the toughest circumstances, divorce brings painful wounds, and they
need our help to find healing.
Because of divorce, children will grieve a number of losses. One parent has
moved out, and depending on the financial situation, the children may have to
move to a new home, losing familiar surroundings. Friendships sometimes
change, siblings grieve, money may be tight and their custodial parent may be
hurt and angry as well. All sense of security and safety is compromised as
children look around to see their new, unsettled world.
The following are steps you can take to maximize damage control:
Find A Support Group:
Many churches have a program called Divorce Care and
Divorce Care for Kids. The lessons complement each other and the kids have a
place to go to process their hurt with other kids whose parents are divorcing.
Tell Your Child the Truth
This is a sensitive one. Depending on their age and level of development (an 8
year old may act like a 5 year old, especially when under stress.) I will provide in
depth information on this subject in a future blog called Ages and Stages.
Make Changes Slowly
While you are experiencing emotional pain, the fight or flight primitive feelings
can kick in. Journal your feeling, breathe, talk to a friend…refrain from making big
changes while under stress. You may regret it and your children will suffer in the
process.
Give your child time
Divorce creates stress and time pressures. You have more to do and less time.
Children don’t adapt as adults do since they live in their emotional minds and
rarely access their decision making minds. Sloooow down, allow your children
and yourself time. Time to heal, time to make sense of what has happened, time
to reconnect and redefine what life is now about.
Wait to Date
It is best to wait two years before you start to date. At the very least until the
divorce is final. You and your children are under a lot of stress and you need
each other to be fully available to join together in a new family unit. Dating or
having “sleep overs” are confusing and painful for children who are trying to
adjust to a new life. This will model personal integrity to your child.
Let Your Child Love the Other Parent
Never bash the other parent, find your own personal outlet and healing support
so your brokenness doesn’t become your child’s. Allow your child to buy cards or
gifts as needed for the other parent. This will give them permission to continue
their loving relationship; after all it is their only mom or dad.
Discipline Consistently
Consistency will be of great importance due to the many changes in your
families’ lives and this is true with discipline. You may feel bad since some of
your child’s acting out is due to the fracture that has happened in their hearts. I
will go into depth with my future blog, Discipline and Divorce, how to help your
child feel safe.
Let Kids Be Kids
Your nerves may be on edge since your life has been turned upside down. What
you were able to tolerate before may irritate now. Remember kids are kids, not
miniature adults. They don’t experience the world as adults do and play time is
important so they can laugh and feel normal again. I will outline games and
playtime activities in Play, Pretend and Parent-Child Bonds, How Playtime
Affects the Brain.
I get asked this question a lot, so I have compiled 5 Tips to know if this
person might be “The One” for you. Selecting a spouse may be one of the most
important decisions you will ever make! This decision affects you and many
others in your life for years. The emotional destruction I have seen when families
are in turmoil and the harm that comes to the children breaks my heart.
1. Tip #1- Pray About It
No matter what you believe regarding the existence of there being what some
call a ‘soul mate,’ it is absolutely essential to pray over your relationship. God is
your best resource for attaining the answers and wisdom you need and seek.
Talk to Him about your hopes, dreams, desires, but earnestly seek after what His
will is for your life. It’s easy to ask God to give us what we want, but make sure to
ask and be willing to pursue what He wants for us. He knows us better than we
know ourselves, so His plan and will is always the perfect one. Jeremiah 29:11
says, ‘‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper
you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’’
Seek His will, ask for His direction and wisdom, and be willing to accept whatever
that is. That takes faith, a listening ear, and a true understanding of and belief in
His promises and Word.
2. Tip # 2-Seek Godly Counsel
God gives us our support system to help us navigate the journey of life.
Everyone’s situation is different, but most of us have a family member, friend,
spouse or significant other, or pastor that we can go to for some godly advice.
It’s important to have people around us that are trustworthy, have a
relationship with Christ, and honest.
3. Tip# 3-Be Honest
One of the biggest problems that plague relationships is a lack of honesty.
Both parties are often on best behavior, which is fine, but at times it is taken
to the point of dishonesty. Instead of being an authentic version of
themselves, they pretend to be who they think that special guy or gal wants
them to be.
4. Tip# 4-Ask
Are you and the person you are dating a good match? Emotions come and go
and your vision is clouded by drugs and movies. Drugs: The endorphins and
dopamine that signals pleasure to your brain when you are in the romantic
phase of love. Movies: Each one of you holds a camera pointed at each other
with your version of “my perfect man or my perfect woman” movies playing.
You don’t hear the snoring, belches or sarcastic comments. You don’t see the
dirty clothes lying on the floor next to the clothes hamper or smell the burnt
dinner.
The best way to start answering that question is to start asking questions.
Explore your interests, hopes, goals, beliefs, etc. Ask questions like:
Where do you want to live?
What do you hope to accomplish in the next 5, 10, 15 years?
Do you believe that marriage is for life?
How do you envision the husband and wife roles looking like?
What are your favorite hobbies?
What do you hope to give and gain from marriage?
How many kids do you want?
How were you raised?
What type of parenting style do you ascribe to?
Do you think a wife should be a stay-at-home mom?
5. Tip # 5- Prepare
Preparation is such an important part of a successful marriage as well as
the process of deciphering if the person you are with is the one you want
to spend the rest of your life with. There are so many resources (like the
one you are viewing now) that are available to help guide you through the
various premarital stages of life.
If you are at this important stage of your life, don’t take a chance. Call today
and speak to a Family Unity Specialist @ 619-884-0601
These are times not for the faint of heart. Not for the faint of wallet either. With the stock market seemingly out of control and with prices on goods and services taking a page from Buzz Lightyear’s playbook and going “to infinity and beyond,” it’s a tense time for many.
The only sure thing you can bet on in this market is that anxiety is at an all-time high.
Research shows that men and women are wired differently but, the other thing that probably accounts for women experiencing higher levels of anxiety is societal expectations of today’s woman.
The women of today have too much going on, too much expected of them. Too much to do, too little time. How in the world can there be family unity when mom is worried?
Soooo, what do we do? Fret, feel troubled, concerned, bothered , anxious, agonize and lose sleep? Life doesn’t have to be like that.
Thoughts are the key to our mental sanity.
Christianity and living the Christian life is a war that goes on between your ears. And is a matter of our thought life more than it is a matter of the devil and demons and what they do. We have to remember that our flesh is fallen; married to Lucifer since the fall and therefore what is natural to man, the will of the flesh is in unity with sin and therefore Satan. That is why it is called the sin nature. It is our nature to sin. You don’t have to train a child to sin, you have to train them not to sin, not to take what isn’t theirs until it’s paid for and so much more. Scripture tells us and we know from our own lives, that a man acts and does in accordance with how he thinks. “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he: ”Proverbs 23:7
2 Corinthians 10:5 “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth
itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;” The Bible doesn’t say “take every demon captive” but “take every thought captive. That is not saying you are not to cast out demons out of demon possessed people. NO, but if you are born again by the spirit of God, then you do not belong to Satan. You might have ways of behaving due to your ways and system of thinking you were trained to have by the world and need to destroy that system of thinking and have your mind renewed by the truth of God’s Word so that you will then act and behave in a different manner, in a way that is godly and acceptable to God.
We have to know that we cannot change our lives by changing our behavior. Dealing
with behavior will not change your life. For “As a man thinketh…” You have to change your way of thinking and your thought patters if you are going to change your behavior. You change your life by changing what you think. Then when your thinking is lined up with God’s thinking, God’s Word, then that seals Satan off and he has no entrance into your life. He will come and try to do so, he will throw accusations at you to try and penetrate your mind and thinking because that is how he gets power in a person’s life. If he can get you to think evil thoughts, angry thoughts, hateful thoughts, vengeful thoughts, lustful thoughts, any thoughts contrary to God’s Word, that is how he gets you to act sinfully. You don’t go out and do sinful acts if you didn’t first think and meditate upon them. You don’t go to see a porno movie
without desiring it in your mind. You don’t take a gun and go shoot someone unless there are murderous thoughts in your mind.
If you have on the armor of God, if you have on the breastplate of righteousness on
and your shield of faith up (which is faith in the Word of God) and your mind filled
with the preparation of the Gospel, he can’t get you to do his bidding and dirty
work. If the devil can’t penetrate because your sword of the Spirit, the Word of
God is sharp and ready then the enemy can’t penetrate your mind and get you to
follow his system and way of doing things. The key to the armor of God and putting
it on and having it in force in your life is the Word of God, daily renewing your mind
to truth, filling your mind with truth and building your faith up with the truth. That
is what arms and defends you against the attacks of the enemy against your mind
and gives you power to attack him on his own turf. Of course that means that you
are obeying that truth that you know, walking in obedience to the Word in your
daily life for that is how the Word has power in your life.
Having trouble with anxious thoughts? The Center for Family Unity can help. Please call us today to schedule an appointment.
Could your marriage survive an affair? Affairs come in many shapes and sizes. It doesn’t have to be physical, it can be emotional. Leaning on and counting on someone other than your partner is the first step to divorce.
If you have become like ships in the night, passing each other by in the house and living separate lives away from each other don’t wait another moment to call The Center for Family Unity.
Divorce is ugly, expensive and leaves scars inside the couple, children, family and friends. The kids feel like they have to choose sides, extended family becomes shattered and your friends drift away since being with either one of you separately feels like betrayal.
Wait, there is hope. A couple who came to The Center for Family Unity speak:
Husband: When we first came to you , I didn’t know if we would be able to save our marriage. I was being guardedly optimistic. The sessions always seemed to hit the nail on the head. The homework and talks helped me open up about my thoughts and feelings. I know now that if we/I had gone to counseling along time ago, I would not have been in the hurting place I was in, and would not have hurt my wife. Your slogan Affair Repair, is perfect. If a couple wants to save their marriage and they are having trouble, you are the
only person I would recommend. We just had our 16th anniversary, and while this year has
been challenging, it is also one of the best years of my life. I still have my wife and we are happier than ever before.
Wife: When I called you I didn’t have much hope of saving our marriage. I wanted to, but I was so hurt and upset, I didn’t think that I could ever trust him again. I told you on the phone that I wanted to choke the crap outta him, and you chuckled–with that sense of humor, I knew you, if anyone, would be the right person for us.
My previous experience with counseling was not a positive one, and previously my husband had thought that counseling was for the weak minded. We were on a leap of faith when we sought help. Kellye, you sensed our hesitation and drew us in. We worked earnestly on the homework provided, and still use the tools that you gave us at the beginning. We talk openly, and share every experience with each other like we never had before. It is like being newlyweds all over again. Thank you…for everything.
I highly recommend your services, not just for couples in crisis, but for all couples that want to strengthen the connection with their loved one.
I know now that if we/I had gone to counseling along time ago, I would not have been in the hurting place I was in, and would not have hurt my wife.
Wow, and this is from the husband. A man who believed counseling was for the weak minded. I highly recommend your services, not just for couples in crisis, but for all couples that want to strengthen the connection with their loved one.
If you are in crises, call NOW…and you don’t need to be in crises, call TODAY to strengthen your connection with your loved one. Don’t wait!
Children are frequently used as pawns in high conflict divorce battles. Kids find different ways to cope in a system that includes children and two parents who absolutely despise each other. This is a hatred that doesn’t ease up over the passing of time; in fact these bitter feelings tend to increase and escalate as the years go by.
Children in these settings use some or all these coping mechanisms:
Children want to please both of their parents. They are faced with a barrage of words, events and thoughts that they are not prepared to deal with in any healthy way. They find it impossible to please both parents for any extended period of time, so they learn to tell the adults what they think their parents want to hear. Those statements may differ entirely from what the child believes, but he will go out of his way to avoid extended conflict. Children are trained erroneously through this process that all conflict must be avoided. They don’t learn that some conflict is normal and that we must all learn to deal with it. The danger in this mindset is that the kids come to believe that the only good relationship is one that is conflict free – which is impossible unless you learn to ignore or avoid the conflicts.
These children develop the ability to lie quickly and convincingly. They have learned when fabricating what is happening at the other parents house or purposely keeping secrets from one parent will work to their advantage.
They learn to strategize as a way to get their needs met. For instance a child is aware that his mother does not want him to take any martial arts classes because she fears they will cause him to be violent. The child knows that the mom is worried that dad will try to enroll him in violent activities. The child then convinces dad to enroll him in a class that teaches how to be safe without using violence. The child then goes back to mom telling her of this development and then saying “dad is not so bad after all, is he mom?” Around this same time he will ask his dad to enroll him in a martial arts class because the child feels the coast is clear because mom will be less vigilant of dad because of his signing him up for the non violent class.
Children learn how to make sure their needs are met. Parents who are in the middle of a high conflict divorce are poor communicators at best. When they communicate at all, their discussion tends to be nasty and filled with disdain. This lack of healthy connection between the parents teaches the children that adults cannot successfully talk to each other and make plans for the kids. Therefore the children feel that they have to take this planning for their activities into their own hands. For example, the girl who wants to be in the community play will inform both his parents that they need to attend a special meeting in order for her to try out for the play to ensure that the need for a parent to be there is met.
These children also tend to have impaired relationships with peers. The poor role modeling demonstrated by their parents leads these kids to have no idea what it means to have real friendships. Their expectations of friends can become quite distorted. These children tend to have no sense that true relationships are based on kindness, cooperation, sharing and compromising. While longing for the safety and love of a close connection, they don’t really believe they are loveable and lack the skills to obtain and maintain strong friendships. You will see some of these children at recess time playing all alone or staring endlessly at a computer screen because they lack the outreach skills and self-confidence necessary to make friends. Others are so desperate to feel accepted that they will say or do anything to be part of the popular group. Other children may become possessive of their friends and feel jealous and threatened if their friend pays attention to other kids.
They may act out for attention. Some children from high conflict divorces want to bring attention to how horrible they feel but, like most kids, lack the skills and the ability to truly stand up for themselves. So they may bring attention to their situation by getting poor grades, using drugs, becoming defiant, withdrawing from the world, acting out in class and quitting activities that they used to enjoy. Other kids will strive for perfection in an effort to be loved and approved by their parents. These children also believe if they are perfect, they can somehow be unaffected by the warring adults. They tend to be very hard on themselves and are rarely compassionate towards themselves or others.
The skills of organizing, strategizing and overall planning are superb attributes for kids to have, but in this situation these skills are being used to manipulate adults like chess pieces on a board. They then learn to use these skills in other inappropriate ways with other adults and peers.
These kids often present as being mature, but in truth they are emotionally and often socially immature. They are frequently more emotionally needy than they come across and they are behind their peers developmentally. They have spent a large portion of their lives learning how to please others without really learning how to master fulfilling themselves. This mask leads adults to misread the kid’s sense of self worth; thinking they are doing fine when in reality, they are hurting inside.
Some children align themselves with one parent and this leads to being in opposition to the other parent. These children get subtle and overt rewards from the parent they are aligning with. The parents may directly feed them information about their evil perception of the other parent or their feelings about their ex may be experienced by their severe body language or facial expressions whenever the other parent’s name comes up. These kids feel that they must take a stand for the parent they are close with and let the out of the loop parent know that they don’t like him/her. This occurs because the child is fearful of losing the aligned parent’s support if he shows any connection with the other parent. It is difficult in these cases to really know how the child actually feels about anything.
What Parents can do to help Children from High Conflict Divorce Families
Instead of blaming the other parent for what is going wrong with the kids,ask yourself what you are doing to contribute to the difficulties your child is experiencing.
When you meet with your ex, instead of spending your energy trying to win all arguments, agree to meet in a spirit of cooperation and admit your shortcomings. Be honest about what it will take to co-parent peacefully with your ex and try to keep your ego aside and think about what is best for your kids.
Stop litigating! Adults who are in litigation cannot possibly co-parent. There is a complete lack of trust and trust is essential in successful co-parenting.
Stop fighting about when children can communicate with the other parent. Let this be as open as possible because it will lower the anxiety level of your child.
Does your child tell you that you don’t listen to him? Please take his words to heart because if you don’t, his feelings about this will become buried deep inside him and will only get worse over time. He will feel that you have ignored his feelings and are not concerned about his view point on important issues. If you don’t heed his words, your relationship with him may be impaired for a long period of time.
Punishing your child because she doesn’t want to engage or shows other signs that she doesn’t like you will not cause her to embrace this parent/child relationship. Instead, try to talk with her calmly, stating that you feel that your relationship with her is not good and you want to repair it. Ask her to describe her feelings for you and tell her that you will not be angry at her honesty.
If you can afford to do so, co-parenting counseling as well as individual therapy for your children may be helpful.
Children who live with the hostile divorce model have symptoms similar to children who are abused and neglected. Some professionals would say these kids are being abused and neglected. It is my feeling that this phenomena is not getting the attention it deserves. Furthermore it is tragic that only those who can afford an army of therapists can get the help they need and deserve. Let’s hope and work for change here.
If you have seen any of these coping mechanisms in your children or want more information about how to coparent well, contact The Center For Family Unity at 619-884-0601.
Oh that good ‘ole summertime…fun times, family get togethers, beach and barbecues and bickering! During the summer the structure of school is gone and the togetherness can become too much. The Center for Family Unity can help you sort out what is normal bickering and how to know when the situation is beginning to heat up so that we can give you the tools to help your children shift gears.
Level I: Normal Bickering.
Ignore it. Think about your next vacation.
Tell yourself the children are having an important experience in conflict resolution.
Level II: Situation Heating up. Adult Intervention Might Be Helpful
Acknowledge their anger.
“You two sound mad at each other!”
Reflect each child’s point of view.
“So Sarah, you want to keep on holding the puppy, because he’s just settled down in your arms. And Billy, you feel you’re entitled to a turn too.”
Describe the problem with respect.
“That’s a tough one: Two children and only one puppy.”
Express confidence in the children’s ability to find their own solution.
“I have confidence that you two can work out a solution that’s fair to each of you…and fair to the puppy.”
Leave the room.
Level III: Situation Possibly Dangerous
Inquire
“Is this a play fight or a real fight?” (play fights are permitted. Real fights are not.)
Let the children know:
“Play fighting by mutual consent only.” (if it’s not fun for both, it has to stop.)
Respect your own feelings:
“You may be playing, but it’s too rough for me. You need to find another activity.”
Sex is play. It is celebration—the glue that keeps a relationship together during difficult times. However, keeping that sexual spark alive in a marriage or a long-term relationship can be a challenge. Sometimes life takes us over and like a wet blanket, stress smothers the spark. But couples that take the time to cultivate a loving and tender relationship will reap the reward of feeling more connected. These couples also tend to be more physically healthy!
Take the quiz below to find out if you have a thriving sex life!
Answer True or False:
1. My partner and I communicate in an open and loving manner about most things that matter to us.
2. I am able to articulate my sexual needs to myself. I know what I like and what I don’t like.
3. I communicate those likes and dislikes to my partner. I don’t expect him or her to “just know” how to please me.
4. Without judgment or embarrassment, I talk openly and fearlessly with my partner about my thoughts and feelings about sex.
5. I share my sexual hopes, dreams, and aspirations in an intimate manner with my partner.
6. I avoid making assumptions about what does and doesn’t turn on my partner. I ask for feedback and guidance.
7. Experimentation and play are key elements in my sexual relationship.
8. I have realistic expectations of my partner and I avoid being overly demanding.
9. I enjoy having sex with my partner on a regular basis.
10. I look forward to having sex with my partner and do not see it as a chore or obligation.
11. My partner and I make time for sex and don’t allow it to end up on the back burner.
12. I leave unexpected notes and surprise gifts for my partner.
13. Foreplay is an integral part of my sex life.
14. My partner and I are able to embrace and incorporate each other’s turn-ons in a healthy and loving manner.
If you marked true on most of the questions, your sex life is likely healthy and vibrant. If you marked “false” on most of the questions, don’t worry. Cultivating a loving sexual relationship with your partner is possible. Jack Morin, author of The Erotic Mind, recommends that couples hone their communication skills as a first step towards a healthy sex life. For more information or to discuss your responses to this quiz, call The Center for Family Unity at 619-884-0601
Watching your child grow up and start talking about topics like dating and crushes can be intimidating. It can also bring up a lot of questions. Are they ready to date? Are you ready for them to date? If you’ve decided the answers to those questions are “yes”, then it’s time to make sure that everything is done in a way that is open and healthy for the family and for your teen.
What does that mean? It means communicating with your teen to make sure they understand the boundaries you set in place and also communicating to them what they should expect from a healthy relationship at their age. Take a look at our video for some safeguards you can put in place to help your teen navigate the world of dating. If you are eager to learn more about how to parent and communicate with your teen, contact us today at 619-884-0601
One of the most important investments you can make in your marriage is finding the answer to the question “How can I show my spouse I love them?” The fact is that many spouses love their mate, but miss the mark when searching for specific ways they can make their mate feel well loved. It is confusing and hurtful when efforts to express love fail, just as it is confusing and hurtful when a mate does not feel well loved. Fortunately, it is possible for you to learn how to knock the ball out of the park in your efforts show your mate you love them. In addition, couples counseling in San Diego is available for couples that simply want to learn how to love their spouse better—even if they’re not in crisis.
Learning to Express Love
Most people learn to express love for their spouse based on three things:
how they like to be loved,
what worked in their past experiences,
and observing role models.
The media, lyrics in songs, and commercials all portray examples of how to love others. It is possible to fall short by copying even the best role model, because what you are doing is not the way your spouse prefers to receive your love.
A good starting point is to learn more about the five basic ways people prefer to receive love, and identify your spouse’s preferred method. Having that knowledge is what makes it possible for you to express your love, in the most powerful way, to your mate. Many couples find reading Dr. Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages to be one of the most valuable investments they ever make in their marriage.
Start by asking your spouse to show you the best way you can communicate your love for them. Listen to their response, and take notes. Inquire if the things you typically do make them feel loved, or if you are missing the mark. Their answers may surprise you,
because they may interpret your efforts in a very different manner than you intended. For example, if you express your love to your wife with a gift of expensive lingerie, she may interpret the gift as a request for a sexual encounter. By the same token, if a wife expresses her love for her husband with a gift card to a home improvement center, her husband may interpret the gift as a reminder of things he needs to fix around the house. Well intended gestures to express love to your spouse can backfire, if you are unaware of your mate’s preferences.
A second way to show your spouse you love them is to treat them with respect. This requires monitoring your communication to them and about them. Dr. Gottman’s research has shown that happily married couples treat each other with respect, affection, and empathy- like good friends. One very powerful way to love and respect your spouse is to make a rule you will not criticize them in public. Instead, speak highly of them in front of others. Resolve conflict gently and in private.
How NOT to Love
Contempt, sarcasm, mocking, and attacks on your partner’s character convince your spouse you do NOT love them. If you have a quick wit, and enjoy entertaining others with your comments, be careful your spouse is not the brunt of your jokes. If you want to show your spouse you love them, you will need to replace negative behaviors with behaviors that build into the marriage, and convey your love for them. The good news is that practicing small repeated changes in behavior can make a big difference in a marriage. You can learn more about positive behaviors, and how couples have transformed their marriages by reading Predicting Divorce to Preventing It.
A third way to show your spouse you love them is to learn how to fully forgive mistakes your spouse has made. If your mate has done something you feel is “unforgivable,” it will continue to fester, preventing you from loving your spouse well. Forgiving them fully will enable you to love them as you promised to do in your wedding vows.
To love and be loved is one of the most fundamental needs in life. The counselors at The Center for Family Unity are experienced in helping couples learn to express their love to their spouses, in ways their spouse feels well loved. We encourage you to call for a free 20 minute consultation to discuss how we can assist you in your desire to show your spouse you love them. We can help you with the practical application of this information to your own life, and assist you as you work through any stumbling blocks that are preventing you from expressing your love. Call us today at 618-884-0601
