Are you looking for ways to save your marriage and wondering if marriage counseling would help? There are some unique benefits to marriage counseling as opposed to other types of therapy. According to a study by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, 97% of the clients seen in marriage counseling indicated they received the help they needed. Two other benefits of marriage counseling are that this type of therapy takes less time than individual therapy, and is often less expensive than seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist. Couples also find it appealing that the marriage counselor or therapist is considered an expert in relationships, while other therapists may as a matter of training and practice have more of a focus on pathology and diagnosis.
Finding a good match with a therapist involves a little ground work. Before you make an appointment, ask for a free consultation and interview at least three potential marital therapists. Get a sense of their communication style, training, and therapeutic approach. For therapy to work you will need a good connection with a therapist that has expertise dealing with your concerns. The therapist won’t fix your marriage—you will do the work; however, you need to have confidence your therapist is steering you in the right direction.
Couples that are committed to their marriage, and refuse to consider the option of a failed marriage, have greater success in therapy than couples who consider tossing in the towel when things get difficult. Counseling is most successful when partners are truthful about their thoughts and feelings, so problems are revealed and resolved. Part of the counselor’s work is to help couples communicate in a way conflicts can be resolved instead of rehashed in arguments. Replacing old behaviors and learning new ways of thinking takes both time, and practice. Couples need to allow enough time for change to occur. Couples counseling can’t “save” a marriage when one or both partners has made a firm decision to leave the marriage. While it does not keep the marriage together, it can help the couple end the marriage in the least traumatic way possible.
Problems with mental illness and addiction may respond initially to a different type of treatment, with couples counseling being offered when the mental illness and/or addiction is fairly well managed. Marriage counseling is not an appropriate therapy for physical abuse. For more information on treatment of physical abuse call the San Diego Domestic Violence Hotline @1-888-385-4657 or dial 911.
Marriage counseling has the maximum potential to save your marriage when:
The couple finds a good match with a therapist
The therapist has the training and expertise the couple needs
The couple actively participates in the work of therapy
The couple is committed to the marriage, and failure is not an option
Partners are truthful, and the real problem(s) is in the light
Couples allow enough time for change to occur
Couples learn new behaviors and ways of thinking
Mental illness, addiction, or abuse are an issue
Couples learn to forgive mistakes, and move on
Couples celebrate their progress in working toward a healthy marriage
Be encouraged. Most couples benefit from marriage counseling. The Center for Family Unity offers a free 20 minute consultation for couples that are looking for a marriage therapist. We invite you to schedule a consultation so we can discuss the concerns you have and learn how we can help save your marriage. A healthy marriage is one of life’s greatest blessings.
Dating can be a roller coaster of highs and lows—especially for the divorced parent. Here are five tips to keep in mind while dating after divorce with children:
Acknowledge that your children are likely hoping you will re-unite with your ex-spouse. Clarify the truth for them.
Let your children know you intend to date.
Wait several months, until your relationship is serious, to meet each other’s children.
Tell your ex you’re dating before you tell your kids. The children should not feel pressure to keep secrets for you.
Ask your children if they would like to meet your date and accept the fact they may not be ready. If they are, give them the opportunity to be involved in planning the first meeting.
For help navigating the complex experience of dating after divorce with children, we invite you to make an appointment at The Center for Family Unity. Contact us at 619-884-0601 or visit us online today.
If you value honesty, it is a gut-wrenching moment the first time your child tells you a bold-faced lie. Parents interpret being lied to by their child as a crisis in morality. It is a huge disappointment. Here’s something that might surprise you. The experts are often at the opposite end of the spectrum—many suggest the child’s first lie is actually a mark of achievement to be celebrated! What is the truth about kids and lying, and what, if anything, parents should do about lying?
Between the age of two and three, children learn the powerful word “No.” About the same time, they start to discover they are separate from their parents. The first lie is the first step in the process.
By the age of five, they clearly know the difference between lying and telling the truth.
Between the ages of six and eight, they grasp the concept of telling a “white lie.”
By ten or eleven, most children can lie very well.
During the teen years, lies may increase, as the teen continues to explore separating from parents. Some teens excuse their deception with the belief, “My parents don’t trust me anyway, so I might as well lie. Besides, I am old enough to make decisions.”
Adults lie for a variety of reasons: To avoid punishment, to avoid doing tasks, because they fear consequences, to get what they want, to avoid embarrassment, and to stay in someone’s good graces. Fear is often the driving force fueling a lie. Kids lie for many of the same reasons adults lie. Kids also lie in response to fear.
Lying is a Learned Habit
Parents unwittingly teach their children how to lie, each time they call in sick faking a cough so they can have a mental health day, or claim traffic caused them to be late, when in reality they overslept. One study reported 60% of the adults lie in a short 10-minute conversation. Society condones some lies. Telling a “white lie” to spare someone’s feelings is acceptable, such as when you tell your elderly aunt you love the fruit cake she makes, when in reality, you use it as a door stop.
How to Handle Kids and Lying
Victoria Talwar, an expert on kids and lying, says parents often entrap their kids, and put them in positions to lie. Parents do this in part by asking questions they already know the answer to. Here is an example:
Pam notices frosting on her three-year-old’s face, and a bite out of a cupcake.
Pam already knows the answer to the question, but asks in a disapproving voice, “Did you take a bite out of the cupcake?”
Hearing her mother’s angry tone, the child answers, “No, Tommy (her imaginary friend) did it.”
This three-year-old’s fib is an attempt to problem solve. The child is motivated by the desire to please her mother. Fearing punishment, she fibs, trying to shift the blame to an imaginary friend – her scapegoat. At three, she has a hard time knowing the difference between what is real and what is imaginary. Things go from bad to worse, as her mommy yells at her in anger, calling her a liar.
Pam could have encouraged her child to tell the truth by commenting about the frosting and cupcake, stating in a calm voice that as a consequence there would be no desert. Pam could have given her child another chance to explain about the cupcake and then rewarded her for honesty.
A wonderful teaching opportunity could have followed, as Pam told her little girl how much she loved honesty, and perhaps read her a story that focused on the positive consequences of honesty, like ”George Washington and the Cherry Tree.” Research has proven reading classic moral stories to children with themes that reward honesty is effective in promoting truth-telling in children. Reading stories with negative consequences of dishonesty (such as Pinocchio) does not promote truth telling in children.
Promoting Honesty in Your Family
The next time your child lies to you, be mindful of your response. Using the interrogative words how, when, and where will encourage your child to describe the situation in detail, and give them an opportunity to tell the truth. A sentence that starts with the word “why” puts both children and adults on the defensive.
Be sure to celebrate when your child tells the truth, even when you disagree with your child’s behavior. Telling the truth can be hard. Use the moment to share with them a time you found it hard to tell the truth, but are glad you did.
Ask a trusted friend to be brutally honest in giving you feed back about your parenting style. Do they think your children might fear the consequences for telling you the truth? Would you like help in learning how to promote honesty in your family? Are you having difficulty knowing if your child’s lying is a symptom of a more difficult problem?
While lying is considered a normal part of growing up, it should not be ignored. To promote truth telling in your family, take the following steps next time your child lies:
Consider your child’s age and mental capacity, and respond accordingly.
Try to understand your child’s motivation for telling a lie. What is the goal?
Give your child an opportunity to tell the truth and celebrate when they do.
Examine your parenting style. Are your children secure in telling you the truth?
If you are wondering how to fix your marriage, be encouraged! It shows you are aware things need to change in a marriage that just isn’t working anymore. The fact you are looking for a solution to fix your marriage shows you believe (at least to some degree) that it can be fixed. This is an excellent starting point. Good for you for considering your marriage worthwhile enough to find out how to fix it.
You may have tried a number of things to fix the problem and found that nothing seems to work—and the situation has yet to improve. It’s discouraging to clearly see what’s wrong and not have any idea of how to fix your marriage. Often, the longer the situation goes on, the more unbearable it becomes.
Considering Professional Help
You are not alone in reaching this point. Many couples in a troubled marriage find themselves in the same position. The couples that decide to get professional help stand a far better chance of restoring their marriage as opposed to those that forgo professional help. The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists reports 98% of the couples utilizing services provided by family therapists rated the services from good to excellent, and received the help they needed. In addition, after working with a marriage or family therapist, 93% of patients said they had more effective tools for dealing with their problems.
There is no magic bullet when it comes to fixing a marriage. It took time to create this web of frustration and it will take some time to clear it away. That’s why it’s really important to begin working with a marriage or family therapist as soon as you’re both willing to do so—as you don’t want to wait until one of you is so disheartened that you’ve given up and decided you are unwilling to even try anymore.
Taking the Right Steps
The fix your broken marriage, we encourage you to take a few steps, right now. First, complete the following sentences so that you can really clarify the concerns you have about your marriage. Then, contact us to schedule a free 15 minute consultation so you can see how we can help you with your desire to find out how to fix your marriage.
The biggest problem in my marriage is ____________________________.
I can’t forgive my spouse for____________________________________.
I would love my spouse to _____________________________________.
When we have a conflict ______________________________________.
I need help with _____________________________________________.
The counselors at The Center for Family Unity have extensive training in couples counseling and marital therapy. We have helped countless couples turn their marriages around. It’s your turn.
If you are concerned with being a good step dad, you’re not alone. Just as the role of being a parent is confusing, exhausting, rewarding, and not for the faint of heart, being a step parent is even more of a challenge in many ways. Biological parents have the blessing of developing their relationship with their biological child over the course of time. Step parents enter a step child’s life, and it feels like a sink or swim situation. The counselors at The Center for Family Unity can help you understand how to be the good step dad you want to be. Here are ten tips to keep in mind:
Be trustworthy. When you make a promise, follow through.
Be clear on your role when it comes to discipline. Your wife should discipline her biological children. Your role is to support her as she does.
Treat your step child with respect. They may not remember what you say, but they will always remember how you made them feel.
Stay in your role as a step dad, not a biological father. Don’t ask your step child to call you “Dad.” Biological parents and their children are wired by nature to have a unique relationship.
Encourage your step child to love, respect, and honor their biological father, even if you think he does not deserve it. It is important for the health and development of your step child to love and respect their biological parents.
Don’t expect your step child will want to share your interests. You may love hunting deer in the rugged mountains, but your step son may prefer mastering a computer game. Allow room for different interests.
Talk with other step fathers that have good relationships with their step children and ask them for relationship-building tips.
If your step child is female, know up front she is likely to find it difficult to be close to you. It is part of the great mystery of the sexes. You will never understand it, any more than you understand other mysteries of the opposite sex.
You may have years of experience as a biological parent, and find not much of your expertise transfers to being a step parent. Decide to be okay with that.
Keep your expectations realistic.
The Center for Family Unity can help you learn to live your role as a step father, with a clear understanding of what goes into being a good step father, and how you can invest in and enjoy your role. The counselors can clarify some of the confusing realities that confront blended families. Many step parents find it comforting to learn that the difficulty they have experienced is common to most blended families, and more importantly, that there are solutions that foster good relationships. Give us a call to discuss your concerns and to learn more about how our approach can help.
Bonding with stepchildren isn’t always easy. Often, it takes more time than parents wish it did. Instead of trying to rush the process of becoming close, counselors at The Center For Family Unity encourage you to:
Enjoy your alone time, knowing no one expects you to do everything
Continue to engage in the meaningful activities you did with your biological children prior to your marriage.
Allow opportunities for each child to express their uniqueness, instead of deciding one activity fits all.
Take note when the children show shared interest in something spontaneously without your prompting. And do it again.
The process of bonding with stepchildren can be confusing and discouraging—especially when well-meaning intentions backfire. To learn how you can foster closeness in your blended family, contact The Center For Family Unity at 619-884-0601 or visit us at TheCenterForFamilyUnity.com.
Does your son or daughter react to situations in a noticeably different way than his or her peers? You’re not alone. We hear parents express this concern often at The Center For Family Unity. Treating anxiety in children is different than treating anxiety in adults.
Anxious children often express their fears to their parents in one or more of the following manners. Do your children:
– Cling to you?
– Expect the worst?
– Clench their fists, look frightened, and tighten their muscles?
– Pretend to be sick?
– Lack energy?
– Forget what they have learned?
– Procrastinate?
– Resist making decisions because they fear they might be wrong?
– Check, re-check, and check again to make sure everything is perfect?
If your child’s fear seems out of proportion to a situation, and if their fear is interfering with their ability to have good relationships with friends and family, you may want to consider having your child treated for anxiety. Meanwhile, we hope you’ll find comfort in knowing there are many ways parents can help their anxious children.
Tell your child their “fear” is caused by something called “” Explain you are going to help them learn how to send “anxiety” away when they don’t want “anxiety” to visit.
Ask your child to give their “anxiety” a silly name. It will make it easier for them to talk about their experience.
Learn to recognize signs indicating your child is starting to feel anxious.
Develop a bedtime routine practicing ways to relax such as deep breathing. This will enable your child to master the ability to calm themselves.
Introduce your child to books with a story line about children or animals that master their fears.
Help your child to learn and use positive self-talk, and to see the connection between their negative self-talk and their anxiety.
Listen to their thoughts and feelings, without needing to change them. Reflect them back, while comforting them to help them feel safe.
Explain the physical feelings they experience when they are anxious, are not actually harmful.
If you suffer from anxiety, get help to manage your own anxiety. What you learn has the potential to help your entire family.
Read Why Smart Kids Worry and What Parents Can Do To Help, by Edwards, and Monsters Under the Bed and Other Childhood Fears by Garber, Garber, and Spizman.
Keep a daily routine. Anxious children cope better with structure.
Maintain a regular bed time. Fatigue increases anxiety.
Encourage your child to exercise daily so they can relieve stress naturally.
Raising an anxious child can be exhausting and confusing. The Center for Family Unity is available to help you and your child learn ways to firmly shut the door, so anxiety is not allowed to visit. For more information or to schedule your first appointment, call us at 619-884-0601.
