With the holiday season just around the corner it seems everyone is beginning to make plans. Families travel to and fro to celebrate age-old traditions together. It’s a time of great joy for some, and often a time of great sorrow for new widows, like Mary.
This would be the first holiday season after Frank’s passing, and Mary had no idea where or how she would celebrate the holidays without him. Frank and Mary had always been the “glue” that held their family together. Every Thanksgiving, their four kids and eleven grandchildren, along with an assortment of folks with no other place to celebrate, would gather at their home for a traditional turkey dinner and an evening centered around board games and story telling. It was an evening family and friends looked forward to all year long.
The Christmas tradition was even sweeter. Every Christmas Eve the whole family would meet at church for the midnight candlelight service. On Christmas day, Frank would dress up in a Santa Claus suit and distribute gifts to all of the grandkids. And at the tail end of the night, Frank would always give Mary her surprise gift—something that was always inscribed with “Frank + Mary.” Married for 45 years, Mary could not bear the thought of celebrating the holidays without Frank. The thought of celebrating without him seemed unbearable.
Grieving is hard work. Each holiday has traditions unique to a couple. The first year after the loss of a mate, it helps the grief process if the family takes time in advance to plan how the holidays will be celebrated. These plans help the family grieve well, so the work of grief is completed in approximately one year. The goal is not to avoid or interrupt grief, but to walk through it, in order that one can experience joy in the years that lie ahead.
For some, setting a formal place at the dinner table for the departed will be healing. For others, it will be important to just acknowledge the pain associated with the loss and to give themselves permission to just spend a quiet day alone, knowing there will be more holidays in the future when old traditions can be revisited and new traditions can be created.
This holiday season, if you or a loved one is struggling to cope with the grief that follows the loss of a spouse, The Center For Family Unity can help. We’ll provide a safe place for your explore your feelings, heal your heart and bring joy back to the holiday season. To set an appointment, call us at 619-884-0601.
In order to function well at work and in your relationships, you need to know your children are doing well, and that their needs are being taken care of. Here are ten strategies that will help you ease the transition for your children in your newly blended family.
Tell your children up front that their step parent is not there to replace their biological parent. Reassure them their biological parent will always be their mom or dad and that there is no expectation to call their new step parent mom or dad.
Let your children know it’s okay if they don’t love their step parent like you do. Nevertheless, they do need to treat them with respect. The same is true for their step siblings.
Plan regular parent-child dates with your biological children. And don’t ever cancel! Give them your precious time—your undivided attention. It can be as little as 15 minutes a day, but it must be consistent. While buying them new toys or planning fancy trips may seem like a way to show your love for them, it cannot ever replace you. Your kids want you. Be there.
Help your kids understand the non-negotiable behavior rules of your home by placing them in a prominent area. Let them know they will be disciplined if they break these rules and that your new spouse will discipline them if you are not home to do it.
Give everyone time and space to form new relationships. Don’t force the family to do everything as a family unit. Too much forced togetherness backfires.
Keep your own expectations realistic. Building a secure blended family takes years of commitment. The effort you put into your relationship with your step children may take years to fully develop.
Learn about gender differences. General research shows girls have more difficulty accepting step fathers than boys, and girls are more uncomfortable with a step father’s physical affection than boys. Girls may also express dislike of their step mother, picking up the biological mother’s anger, and acting in solidarity with her. This behavior dissipates if the biological mother tells the daughter being angry and disrespectful to the step mother is not an option.
Learn about affection. Both girls and boys prefer verbal affection over hugs. If the kids are shying away from physical touch, give them the space they need.
Find something each child is doing right and encourage them. Tell them how much you respect or appreciate the fact that they do this or that. Write them a note that tells them how much they mean to you and sneak it in their lunch box. Send them an unexpected text during the day recognizing them for something they’ve done well. Be creative and let them know you noticed.
Accept the reality that it is normal to love your own biological children more that your step children, even when your intention is to love them as your own.
Therapists at The Center for Family Unity can help you strengthen the bonds in your blended family and ease any transitions you may be struggling with. We invite you to book a free 20 minute consultation on our website. Contact us today.
Do you agree to handle “urgent” to-do’s that your step family dumps on you at the last minute?
Are you always tired and exhausted from running without a break?
Do you resent your family for expecting so much and supporting you so little?
Do you fill days off with activities so you’re unable to rest and rejuvenate?
Are you allowing your step children to “guilt you” into dropping your schedule for theirs?
Is it difficult to make time for “self-care” activities like exercise, relaxing or hobbies?
Do you rarely find the time to do the things you really love?
Do you respond to interruptions from your step family and all them to take you off track?
Are other people complaining your schedule doesn’t allow enough time for them?
If this sounds all too familiar, you may have difficulty managing your time and emotions. The Center For Family Unity can help. Contact us for a free 20 minute step family session.
As a new step parent you often need to play the babysitter role. Your spouse needs to tell your step child he or she is expected to respect the rules you enforce in their absence; just as they would do if a babysitter was hired.
With time, you’ll move into the role we call “the cool aunt or uncle.” At this stage we encourage you to schedule one-on-one “date nights” with your step child that revolve around his or her interests. You’ll have limited authority in this season. But, be patient. You’re earning the right to have more.
Eventually, you’ll move into the seasoned step parent role. This is when your relationship with your step child naturally includes discipline, nurturing, guiding, teaching and counseling.
Do you need help establishing and understanding how to operate in your current role? Contact us today to get help from our blended family therapists.
Tanya felt like she couldn’t breathe when John told her he’d been having an affair. She was shocked, sad, and angry—all at the same time. The details of the affair exploded like a mine field in the deepest part of her heart. John couldn’t get the words out fast enough—telling her how keeping the affair a secret had eaten away at him—and how the guilt kept him up at night. He promised her it was over, and that the other woman meant nothing to him. He wanted to unburden himself and clear his conscious. He said he couldn’t carry the guilt for even one more day. John begged Tanya to forgive him, telling her he desperately wished it had never happened. Tanya could do nothing other than stare at him—in shock and disbelief.
When an affair is revealed, spouses are in very different places emotionally. The person confessing is often anxious to put an end to the guilt they have been carrying. Confessing often gives them a sense of relief and a belief the guilt will subside. There may be truth to them saying the affair is over and that it meant nothing to them. In the course of confessing, they will likely desperately beg for forgiveness and the opportunity to rebuild their marriage.
The spouse that has been betrayed often struggles to process the details of the affair—it’s too much, too fast. It is heart-crushing to learn the person you trusted most in your life has betrayed you. There is a long list of questions. Who was the other lover? When did it start? Why did it start? How could this happen? It’s deeply confusing— especially for those that believed they were happily married. You may love your spouse deeply. In fact, you may have darling children, even another on the way when you receive this devastating news. What now?
Can Your Marriage Be Saved?
It is possible for your marriage to be saved, when both of you are committed to the hard work of repairing what has been broken. There needs to be an understanding of what led to the decision to have an affair to begin with and the realization of the depth of destruction the affair has caused. The ability to forgive will be central to the healing of both parties. Forgiveness of the affair may not restore trust—as trust is earned with the currency of trustworthy behavior over time. You may choose, as a couple, to work diligently to save your marriage, or one of you may want to fight for the marriage when the other wants to give up. Some may choose to save the marriage for the sake of the children, finances, or simply because they vowed, “until death do us part.”
Regardless of your circumstances, the counselors at The Center for Family Unity can provide support in working through the painful aftermath that follows the confession of an affair, and the decisions that follow. If you would like to learn to forgive the seemingly unforgivable, read our blog post The Truth About Forgiveness and schedule an appointment with our affair repair therapists.
Kristen’s kids – ages 7, 9, and 11 – were driving her nuts with their constant bickering. She had a work deadline she had to meet, and every few minutes one of her kids was in her home office, complaining about what the other was doing. Kristen often told the kids to “knock it off;” however, that only stopped the racket for a few minutes. Even if they weren’t in the same room, the loud arguments and constant interruptions made it next to impossible for Kristen to focus on meeting her deadline.
Kristen was tired—tired of the bickering and tired of the interruptions. She found herself counting the minutes until her husband got home because his arrival allowed for her departure—to her office outside of their home. She needed uninterrupted time to finish her project and couldn’t play referee any longer. It was exhausting constantly ordering the kids to stop fighting, implementing consequences and facilitating forgiveness. She just needed to get away.
Why Kids Tattle
Kristen’s not alone. Her complaint is one of the most common complaints mothers share. Fortunately for all weary moms, much has been learned about bickering and sibling rivalry that can change the situation. Kids often involve parents in their battles, in part because they want time with their parents. Sometimes they do so because they want their sibling to be punished. While it may seem like jumping in to settle an argument is the best way to end it, parental involvement often drags the process on and robs children of learning conflict resolution skills.
Six Steps to Silencing Sibling Rivalry
Tell your kids you have quit your job as referee and that means they will have to settle their own arguments moving forward.
Identify an “argument room” in your home—preferably in a room that’s far away from you.
The next time they bicker and argue:
Lead them to the “argument room.”
Insist they may not leave the “argument room” until the argument is over.
LEAVE THE ARGUMENT ROOM IMMEDIATELY so the kids don’t have an This step alone often ends the arguments. Arguing without an audience is…boring.
Avoid insisting they apologize and hug when the argument is over.
Let them develop the skill to end an argument without your intervention.
Set aside 15 minutes of alone time with each child each day. Be faithful.
Establish rules for healthy disagreements and post them in the argument room.
No hitting
No screaming
No use of foul language
No verbal assaults
No destruction of personal property
Inform kids the “Tattle Tale Office” is permanently closed. Explain you no longer take tattle tale reports. Have the kids make a sign for the office that says “closed,” and post the sign. Explain if any of them come to tattle in the future, all of them, regardless of if they are guilty or innocent will be disciplined.
Know in advance kids will test these changes; they’re used to your involvement and will try to make it so you remain involved. Give them your very best response as a parent. Stay out of their way and allow them to learn how to resolve conflict without you. They will need the skill as adults.
Are the tattletales exhausting you? Family therapists at The Center for Family Unity specialize in counseling children. We can assist you in developing a plan that restores your home to the sanctuary it was designed to be. For a free 20 minute teletherapy session, contact us online, or call us at 619-884-0601.
Do you ever feel like a failure in your faith when you think about how much you struggle with forgiveness? The Bible teaches us that Jesus died to forgive our sins and that we should forgive others just as He has forgiven us. However, that’s often easier said than done. Forgiving is hard—especially when the offender has failed to apologize or the pain they caused runs deep. Hosea 4:6 says “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.” Let’s examine the truth about forgiveness.
First let’s look at what scripture says about forgiveness. We are to forgive 70 x 7 (Matt.18:21-35), and be quick about it, not letting the sun go down on our anger (Eph. 4:26). The message is clear. God intends for us to sleep well, and never spend a night tossing and turning in anger as we relive past hurts. God knows clinging to those old hurts is harmful to our body which He calls a temple. He also gave us the Lord’s Prayer as a model (Luke 11). Every time we say it, we ask that God will forgive us, the very same way we forgive others. What a scary thought! What a good reason to learn how to forgive others.
Now let’s look at what scripture does not say about forgiveness
Scripture does not say:
That forgiving a person means what they did was right
That forgiving a person means they won
That forgiving a person requires them to apologize first or ask for forgiveness
That forgiving a person minimizes the hurt they caused, or the gravity of the sin
That the person must understand how they hurt you before they are forgiven
That the person must be worthy of your forgiveness
That we are commanded to trust or reconcile with the individual that hurt us. Trust is earned over the course of time, with the currency of trustworthy behavior.
One of Satan’s favorite weapons is convincing believers they cannot or should not forgive, because their hurt is too deep. This gives the evil one a foothold, in which he creates turmoil by replaying painful memories. This thought is a half-truth like so many of Satan’s lies. The truth is without God’s help, we are not good at forgiving others.
Just as it can be hard to forgive others, it can also be difficult to look at serious mistakes made in our own lives. People that have difficulty forgiving others, often have difficulty forgiving themselves, and accepting God’s forgiveness even with His promise to forgive us when we confess.
Forgiveness is a decision… an action we take to be in obedience to God’s plan for our lives. When we forgive, we release the individual that hurt us from any obligation. We abandon thoughts of vengeance, and leave that to the Lord. At that precise moment we are freed from the shackles of bitterness that bound us to the unrealistic hope of a better past, and we enter God’s peace in the present.
If you are struggling with the inability to forgive others or yourself, The Center for Family Unity can help you learn the truth of God’s word to live victoriously in Jesus Christ. Please get in touch with us so we can help you begin your healing journey.
