Are you parenting a spirited child? One of the most important gifts you can give your child is the ability to better manage their behavior.
It can be tempting to allow your spirited child to watch hours of TV or play video games (even educational games) since they are quiet.
But you need to be careful or you may pay for it later. Television and video games are two of the worst offenders when it comes to bad behavior triggers for the spirited child.
The colors, fast movements and flickering lights…they can send a spirited child into a mental spin…one that often leads to them acting out in the very ways you’re trying to prevent.
I was on my way to the movies with my eight-year-old grandson tonight, when out of the blue, he asked me, “Why do people want to kill themselves?”
I said “Well that’s interesting you would ask that. Did something happen to someone you know?”
“Yes,” he said. “Robin Williams—that funny guy that was in the movie Mrs. Doubtfire.”
I asked him why he thought Robin Williams committed suicide.
He answered, ”I don’t know, but it’s kind of creepy. They found him hanging on the door with a belt around his neck.”
Suicide is deeply disturbing regardless of your age. However, children find it especially difficult to understand. How do we protect our children without pretending suicide doesn’t happen? The thought of wanting to leave the Earth before it is your time brings up a lot of questions—especially from kids. If it’s someone they know or a loved one that’s close to them, the conversation should be different than if it’s someone they didn’t know personally .
Here is how you can answer your children’s questions about suicide and help them process it:
1. Know your kid : Consider the child’s age. What a child may understand at three or four as opposed to eight or nine is completely different. Knowing where your child is developmentally is important, as it will equip you to guide them in many areas. You need to know how your child perceives the world today.
Here’s how different age groups experience loss:
•Infants and toddlers may be able to tell if the adults around them are sad, but they do not understand the meaning of death.
•Preschoolers may not understand that death is permanent. They may also hold onto links between events. For example, if someone dies in a plane crash, they may worry that flying always causes death.
•Early elementary school-aged kids begin to understand that death is final. They may see death as something that happens to other people, but not to themselves or their families.
•Middle school-aged kids understand that death is final, with insight into how the body stops functioning.
•Teenagers fully understand the meaning of death and, conversely, may focus on trying to understand the meaning of life.
2. Keep it simple
Be aware that a conversation about suicide can and most likely will change your child’s life forever, especially if your child lost a close family member or friend. Avoid using phrases like “God took him” or “she passed away”— as it will only cause more confusion.
3. Understand the Ways Children Experience Grief
Is your son acting as if he is not upset at all? This could be a sign of shock. Is your daughter distancing herself from her feelings? This may be her way to ward off pain. Here are five ways your children may express their grief:
•Regression. Your child may begin to act younger than their age or cling more to the survivors. For example, they may talk like a baby or go back to wetting the bed.
•Acting out. If your son begins to misbehave more than usual it may be his way of expressing his anger about the suicide. Acting out can help them feel in control at a time when they have no control over tragic events.
•Lack of acceptance. It can be hard for kids to believe or accept the loss. They might show this by asking the same questions repeatedly, or talking about the person who died like he or she might be coming back.
•Feelings of guilt. Younger children may worry that they caused a death because they were once angry with them. Older children may feel survivor’s guilt.
•Sadness and depression. Just like adults, children can feel down and struggle to feel positive about themselves or their surroundings
Unlike adults, children often don’t have the words to explain feelings and abstract concepts like death. Providing sensory materials like play dough and clay can help them process their feelings. A swishy pillow or bean bag hugs them to provide feelings of safety and security.
If a child or adult that you love is experiencing the deep grief that almost always accompanies those left behind after a suicide, counseling can help. We invite you to contact The Center For Family Unity to learn more about how we can support your loved ones during this very difficult season.
Has the taunting, teasing and humiliation other kids are inflicting on your children become too much for them to bear? Is your daughter crying frequently because card carrying members of “the mean girls club” are sending her hate texts? Is your son getting lost in hours of endless gaming so he doesn’t have to face kids at school that torment him in the halls and then post embarrassing pictures of it on SnapChat? Your kids are not alone. In fact, according to cyber bullying statistics from the i-SAFE foundation:
More than half of adolescents and teens have been bullied online, and about the same number have engaged in cyber bullying.
More than 1 in 3 young people have experienced cyber threats online.
More than 25 percent of adolescents and teens have been bullied repeatedly through their cell phones or the Internet.
Well over half of young people do not tell their parents when cyber bullying occurs.
If you know your child is being bullied, you are among the fortunate who now have an opportunity to do something about it. Here’s how to put a stop to cyber bullying once and for all.
Exactly What Is Cyber Bullying?
Cyber bullying is a term used to describe willful harm inflicted by electronic text. It encompasses everything from continuing to e-mail a person that has requested no further contact, to publishing personal information with the intent of defaming or ridiculing them, and threats to harm a person.
What Can Parents Do To Promote Safe Internet Use?
You can do a lot. Start by keeping the computer in an open area of your house where it is easy for you to monitor. Do not allow your child to have a computer or any internet enabled device behind closed doors. Furthermore, tell your children they are only allowed to participate in online chats or join social media sites if they give you their login information for each site. If you have teens, make sure they know you respect their privacy and that you’ll only review their online communications if you think there is a legitimate reason for concern. We also encourage you to set up restrictions on cell phones and your computers and install parental control filtering software and/or monitoring programs. If you have younger children, use child-friendly search engines. While we’re unable to endorse any one particular company, we’ve heard SafeSearchKids.com is used in schools across the United States.
How to Help Put an End to Cyber Bullying
Encourage your kids to tell you immediately if they, or someone they know, is being cyber bullied. Explain that you will not take away their computers or cell phones if they confide in you about a problem they are having.
Many parents fail to tell their children how to deal with a dangerous or offensive email, text or social media post. Tell your kids to STOP, BLOCK, and TELL. Your child should stop all correspondence immediately—as responding often adds fuel to the fire. Next your child should block offenders—making it impossible for them to receive any additional email, texts or social media messages. Finally, encourage your child to tell you (or another parent) about the situation. Parents should document and report the incident to their Internet Service Provider, the school, and law enforcement. All evidence should be saved.
Cyber bullying is dangerous and can be devastating. Some children have taken their lives as a result. When a child has been the target of cyber bullying great care needs to be taken to restore the child’s self-esteem and the parent child relationship. Parents can accomplish this best with professional help. The Center for Family Unity is committed to putting an end to cyber bullying and restoring your child’s self-esteem and the parent child relationship. We encourage you to contact us if you need help.
As much as we might wish for a parenting manual, with exact instructions based on proven scientific methodology that will guarantee you’ll never need family counseling, the truth is that parenting is more art than science. And there are no guarantees; However, here are 10 basic “art tools” to help children thrive:
1. Safety. They don’t need over-protecting, but for you to be carefully aware of situations, surroundings and people that could potentially bring them harm.
2. Nourishment. Educate yourself as to what is truly nourishing and provide that to your children. Everything can be made yummy! And if you need help providing food, seek assistance from government and community services.
3. Time to play. This is critical for healthy children. It’s where they process all they see and experience. Unfortunately, many schools across the nation are cutting playtime, and adults are doing the same thing at home.
4. Love. You never have to be perfect as a parent. Show your love, speak your love and its beam will shine through any and all parenting missteps. Share with them God’s agape love, unconditional, never ending.
5. Opportunities to struggle. If we protect our children from struggle, from failure, we are handicapping them for the adult world. Oftentimes the biggest, most profound life learning comes from facing challenges.
6. Honesty. Our kids usually know when we’re lying. They just do. They may not know the specifics of the deception, but they know by the feelings they pick up that we are not being truthful. It’s deeply confusing to them. They need our truth (in age-appropriate ways).
7. Support. Kids who have to fend for themselves all the time, or practically raise themselves, may learn they can never depend on or trust another. That’s a sad way to live.
8. Positive modeling. They’re looking to US to see how to be. One of the best things you can do for your children is to work on your own personal growth so that you can be the best model for your kid(s).
9. Your belief in them. Knowing that you believe in them, in their innate goodness and abilities, helps create strong self-esteem. Teach them about how much God believes in them.
10. Time together. Being in your presence is like balm for children. Focus on them some of the time and on your activities some of time. They soak up a lot of sustenance just from being around you.
Integrating these “art tools” into your busy life may be easier than you think—especially when you’ve got the support of a family counselor. If you need help now, consider booking a free 20 minute consultation with us by calling 619.884.0601 or visiting http://www.thecenterforfamilyunity.com/schedule-consultation/.
If it feels like you have less leisure time and fewer unstructured “play” hours in your life, you’re not alone. Consider these statistics:
The average married couple works 26 percent longer each year than similar working couples did thirty years ago.
Leisure time among children ages 12 and under has declined from 40 percent of a child’s day in 1981 to 25 percent of a child’s day in 1997. No wonder the demand for children’s counseling is so high! These same kids are growing to be the one in four American adults that report no leisure-time physical activity—at all!
A landmark Surgeon General’s Report identified lack of physical activity, including during leisure, as a serious health threat in the U.S.
The late A. Bartlett Giamatti, former president of Yale University and one-time commissioner of Major League Baseball said, “You can learn more about a society by observing the way they play as opposed to how they work.”
Our high tech life with its accelerated pace has fostered a culture that seems to be always working, always rushed, always connected. With cell phones interrupting the theater, laptop computers at the beach, internet connections at every other café, and home offices that beckon us all hours of the night and day, it’s hard to separate “play” from “work.” Yet to maintain balance in our lives, and for our ultimate well-being, play is important. Lenore Terr, a psychiatrist at the University of California, San Francisco, and author of Beyond Love and Work: Why Adults Need to Play, argues that play is crucial at every stage of life. In play, we discover pleasure, cultivate feelings of accomplishment, and acquire a sense of belonging. When we play, we learn and mature and find an outlet for stress. “Play is a lost key,” Terr writes. “It unlocks the door to ourselves.”
When we are completely involved in play our cares and worries disappear. Sailing, playing a game of tennis, or being thoroughly engrossed in a good novel, we feel pleasurably alive and light-hearted. There is nothing like play that allows us to be present in the moment.
If you feel like you and your kids don’t have enough play time in your life (and who doesn’t), try these suggestions:
Turn-off. Turn off the television, computer and cell phone for at least two hours a day.
Let your mind wander. Recall what you used to enjoy doing or what you always wanted to do before we became so technology-oriented.
Include others. Invite someone over to play, just like you used to when you were a kid. Nothing planned, nothing structured. Let your play evolve naturally.
Think physical. Go for a walk, ride your bike, rent some skates, break out the croquet set from the basement, go for a swim or a run.
Pretend. Pretend you don’t have any cares or worries. Pretend you have all the time in the world to laugh and play and enjoy. Pretend there is no moment other than this.
In almost all cases, the topic of “play” is addressed at some point during children’s counseling, family counseling and even marriage counseling at The Center For Family Unity. It’s just that important.
Any time you have the choice of whether to work “just one more hour” or give yourself over to play, consider what Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it.” If you need help learning how to let go and work more time for play into your busy life, consider contacting The Center for Family Unity for support at 619-884-0601.
As children grow and mature, they develop a sense of devotion and attachment to their parents. This attachment is also known as loyalty. When parents’ divorce and a stepparent is introduced into the family, loyalty conflicts can arise. Although it is not unusual for loyalty conflicts to arise, they can still be quite difficult. Luckily, there are steps you can take to try and avoid these conflicts.
A biological parent may feel guilt over the divorce which can result in permissive parenting and may cause loyalty conflicts within the new stepfamily household.
Loyalty conflicts within the new stepfamily household can arise when the biological parent feels guilty over divorce or separation from their child’s other parent. If this is the case, it is important to avoid a permissive parenting style, or allowing the child to do as they please out of guilt. Your child needs solid structure and clear rules and guidance in the new stepfamily situation more than ever, and it is important for the biological parent to show a united front with the stepparent. Remain committed to upholding household rules. A biological parent siding with the child against the stepparent can create an “us against them” attitude, and can make the stepparent feel alienated and undervalued. To avoid this type of loyalty conflict, make sure both the biological parent and the stepparent work together to openly discuss their expectations surrounding rules, consequences, and parenting roles. Have this discussion ahead of time, so you will be well prepared to handle a difficult situation when it arises, and will be able to support each other.
A child may feel a loyalty conflict between both of their parents and the separate households.
Working with your ex-spouse may be difficult, and communication between the two of you not always civil, but it is vital that you avoid involving your children in your battles. When children are caught in the middle, they feel guilty, feel pressured, or feel rejected. This in turn creates loyalty conflicts. To avoid these conflicts, communicate directly and do not use your child as a “messenger.” Don’t grill children for information about what is going on in your ex-spouse’s life. Also, don’t ask your children to keep secrets from their other parent, and try not to argue in front of them. Your child is a combination of both of you, and criticizing or insulting your ex-spouse in front of your child is an indirect insult to them. In time, your child will have a greater respect for you if you make an effort to avoid loyalty conflicts. It is also important for your child to maintain a relationship with the other parent unless that relationship could put them in danger. Encourage the relationship between your child, their other parent, and the extended family. During this difficult time, your child will benefit from having many sources of support. If your ex-partner or spouse remarries, support your child’s relationship with this new stepparent, so that they don’t feel they are being disloyal to you.
A child may feel they are being disloyal to their biological parent when showing affection toward a stepparent.
Loyalty conflicts can also occur for your child between the new stepparent and the child’s other parent. Your child may feel guilty about developing a bond or relationship with your new partner. They may feel this is being “disloyal” to their other parent. Sadly, the other parent may even be reinforcing this idea. In your household, you can let your child know you recognize they may feel this way and encourage the child to think about a relationship with the new stepparent as an opportunity to have another caring adult in their life – not a replacement for the other parent.
For the child’s sake, it is very important for all the involved adults to openly support the child’s connection to the other parent and stepparent(s) in the family system. Remember, though, to be patient and not push the child. Building relationships takes time and for many older stepchildren, the stepparent becomes more of a trusted adult in their life, rather than a parent.
To learn more about how to avoid loyalty conflicts in your family, contact The Center For Family Unity at 619.884.0601.
