Family life today is under siege. Families are beset by divorce, confusion in roles, absentee parents, a breakdown of authority, preoccupation with things, inadequate time together, financial pressures, and a host of other problems. The Bible teaches that the institution of family is of divine origin and purpose. The Bible also provides guidelines for good relations within the family. A commitment to the Bible’s teachings and principles provides today’s best hope for the recovery of family life.
The family is the nest from which our children grow and learn to fly.
There is an abundance of truth in the Word of God about what loving our children should look like. There are many good books formulated from biblical perspective but when it comes down to it, the Bible is our manual. How often do we go straight to the source rather than turning to a friend or a self-help book?
Here is what the Bible says about family:
The Family Is Divine in Origin: “Then God said, ‘Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness… So God created man in His own image; He created him in the image of God; He created them male and female” (Genesis 1:26-27).
The Family Is Divine in Purpose: “These words that I am giving you today are to be in your heart. Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7).
Parents must train children: “Teach a youth about the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)
Children need loving discipline: “And fathers, don’t stir up anger in your children, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)
Children need a worthy example: “…clearly recalling your sincere faith that first lived in your grandmother Lois, then in your mother Eunice, and that I am convinced is in you also” (2 Timothy 1:5).
God created the family, and He has divine purposes for it. Following His purposes for marriage and family life gives us the best opportunities for fulfillment.
As women, as wives and moms, the greatest power we have is pray. Pray the word over your home and your family today. Make it a priority and set aside time to pray alone and with your spouse. Today I pray a hedge of protection around you and your family. If you need more guidance through this process reach out to us now! We’re here to help!
Losing a pet can impact the entire family, but it can be particularly traumatic for children because it’s usually their first encounter with loss and death. As parents, we can feel overwhelmed and helpless knowing we cannot shield our kids from the painful reality of death. Although we can’t stop our kids from having a broken heart, there are things we can do to make their bereavement process healthy and manageable.
The first step in helping kids learn how to cope with the loss of a pet is to be honest with them. As difficult as this may feel, it’s important to tell them the truth. Stay away from half -truths and euphemistic descriptions about death. Instead, sensitively explain to your child that his or her pet has died. A child’s understanding about death will vary based on his age.
What To Expect
According to the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement, kids between the ages of 7 and 9 tend to have the most questions about death. If your child asks you what happens after death, you can explain your understanding about life after death, but it’s also okay to admit that you’re not entirely sure.
This loss can also trigger a child’s fears that you or other people he or she loves will die. Remember to be patient and try to address these fears as they come up. For example, if your child asks you if you’re going to die and leave them too, you can say something like, “Most people die when they are very old, and I don’t plan to leave this earth for a very long time.”
The second step is to honor your child’s feelings. Help your child to express his or her grief. You can encourage your children to make drawings or write stories about their pet. It’s also very helpful to have them recall happy memories, which allows them to both grieve and remember happier times with their pet.
Kids may need to cry and express their feelings of loss, which is to be expected. They might also struggle with other complex emotions like anger, denial and guilt. Encourage your child to talk with you about his or her feelings. This will allow you to explain that what they are experiencing is normal and a natural part of the grieving process. Ultimately, parents want to help their children move through their feelings of depression and eventually come to a place of acceptance.
How To Begin The Healing Process
One of the ways to encourage your child’s healthy acceptance of a pet’s death is to find a way to memorialize this passing. Having a burial, memorial or similar type of ceremony helps to reinforce the importance of the pet’s life while also marking its death. This can be done in many different ways. Kids should be allowed to participate in whatever way feels right for them. Maybe it’s marking the gravesite, making a garden stone with the pet’s name on it, planting a tree in remembrance of the pet, or designing a collage of the pet’s photos and placing it in a frame.
Managing loss and death is ironically one of the most difficult aspects of life. But if handled correctly, the loss of a family pet can be a valuable opportunity to teach an important, yet tough life lesson about how to deal with loss in an open and healthy way.
When your children receive counseling from a Licensed Marriage Therapist in San Diego at The Center for Family Unity they can learn healthy ways to cope with loss and death. To make an appointment, call us at 619-884-0601.
(Resources: Remembering My Pet: A Kid’s Own Spiritual Remembering Workbook By Molly Phinney Baskette & Nechama Liss-Levinson and Someone I Love Died by Christine Harder Tangvald and Dog Heaven by Cynthia Rylant)
Are you worried about the fact your child still wets the bed? Have you reached the end of your patience with nightly upsets due to a cold, urine soaked bed? Has bedwetting caused your child to avoid spending overnights with peers? Has your child’s bedwetting caused you to feel like a failure as a parent?
Bedwetting is a fairly common symptom. Here are some facts the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) wants parents to know about bedwetting.
Approximately 15 percent of children wet the bed after the age of three
Many more boys than girls wet their beds
Bedwetting runs in families
Usually bedwetting stops by puberty
Most bedwetters do not have emotional problems
Children rarely wet the bed on purpose
The National Sleep Foundation and the Children’s Hospital of Boston estimate that 13-20% of 5-year-old children, 10% of 7-year-old children, and 5% of 10-year-old children still wet the bed. Between five and seven million children in the United States wet their beds on a regular basis, which accounts for around 10% of the country’s population of children. You are not the only parents dealing with bedwetting. There are most likely other children in your child’s classroom and neighborhood that are dealing with bedwetting.
To help your child stop wetting the bed, the AACAP suggests:
Limiting liquids before bedtime
Encouraging the child to go to the bathroom before bedtime
Praising the child on dry mornings
Avoiding punishments
Making sure your child knows it is not their fault
Waking the child during the night to empty their bladder
Having the child wear pull ups at night
Most children begin to stay dry at night around the age of 3 to 4 years of age. The actual age at which a child masters staying dry at night is dependent on the child’s bladder control. As children grow, they become more aware of the sensation of a full bladder. When there is a delay in this development, it can cause bedwetting. If your pediatrician does not ask you about bedwetting, be sure to bring the subject up yourself. The physician can determine if there is a medical cause.
There are many things that can cause a child to start wetting the bed again after having mastered the ability to stay dry during the night. The pediatrician can determine if there is a medical reason, such as a urinary tract infection, or diabetes. This regression can also occur when the child experiences a major change in their life which causes them to be fearful and insecure. Major changes include parents divorcing, moving to a new school, the loss of a loved one, and the presence of a new baby or step parent in the family. Most children are ashamed and embarrassed by their bedwetting. If there are other children in the household, it is important to establish a “No teasing” rule about bedwetting and enforce it.
Making the bed in the following manner is very helpful, no matter what is causing the bedwetting: Put a plastic sheet over the mattress, then a regular sheet, and top that with a blanket. Repeat the process, so there are two layers of the fully made bed. This will make it easier to quickly get the child into a dry bed in the middle of the night. Some parents prefer to use disposable pads in the bed. It is advisable to have a moisture proof case for bed pillows, especially if your child is a restless sleeper. Keep fresh pajamas handy. Work out a simple routine with your spouse to establish who gets up at night, and who washes the bed clothes and remakes the bed.
Early supportive measures by the family can be very helpful, especially when the parents express their confidence that the child will be able to master bladder control. The child should never be punished for bedwetting. Be sure to praise the child for mastering other developmental milestones, skills, and good behaviors. Let your child know you are confident in their ability to master bladder control. Develop the ability to listen to their thoughts and feelings about bedwetting. Stand firm in your belief that they will triumph in the end.
Make an appointment to see a counselor if there are signs your child is having difficulty coping because of embarrassment over wetting the bed, or if you see possible emotional problems, following major life changes. Speak with a counselor when you feel discouraged as a parent, and are losing patience with the situation. The counselors at The Center for Family Unity can be of assistance in evaluating your child, and working to resolve emotional issues that may contribute to poor bladder control. Parents can also benefit by being freed from the belief that they have failed as a parent, and the guilt that accompanies this false belief. Call for a free phone consultation today at 619-884-0601.
Parents: Are you frustrated because your kids aren’t listening to you? You’re not alone. You just need to learn how to talk, so your kids will listen. Try this:
1. Approach your children with the same respect you expect them to give you.
2. Learn to listen in a way that invites your children to speak up.
3. Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Empathize with them.
4. Allow your child to have their own opinion.
5. Don’t interrupt your child.
6. Stay calm. Your children will react to your mood and emotions.
7. Stay positive. Positive reinforcement is more effective than negative reinforcement.
8. Approach your children with love and grace. Don’t react out of anger.
9. Remember each child is different and has different needs.
10. Stay focused. Don’t talk to your children while doing other things.
If you value honesty, it is a gut-wrenching moment the first time your child tells you a bold-faced lie. Parents interpret being lied to by their child as a crisis in morality. It is a huge disappointment. Here’s something that might surprise you. The experts are often at the opposite end of the spectrum—many suggest the child’s first lie is actually a mark of achievement to be celebrated! What is the truth about kids and lying, and what, if anything, parents should do about lying?
Between the age of two and three, children learn the powerful word “No.” About the same time, they start to discover they are separate from their parents. The first lie is the first step in the process.
By the age of five, they clearly know the difference between lying and telling the truth.
Between the ages of six and eight, they grasp the concept of telling a “white lie.”
By ten or eleven, most children can lie very well.
During the teen years, lies may increase, as the teen continues to explore separating from parents. Some teens excuse their deception with the belief, “My parents don’t trust me anyway, so I might as well lie. Besides, I am old enough to make decisions.”
Adults lie for a variety of reasons: To avoid punishment, to avoid doing tasks, because they fear consequences, to get what they want, to avoid embarrassment, and to stay in someone’s good graces. Fear is often the driving force fueling a lie. Kids lie for many of the same reasons adults lie. Kids also lie in response to fear.
Lying is a Learned Habit
Parents unwittingly teach their children how to lie, each time they call in sick faking a cough so they can have a mental health day, or claim traffic caused them to be late, when in reality they overslept. One study reported 60% of the adults lie in a short 10-minute conversation. Society condones some lies. Telling a “white lie” to spare someone’s feelings is acceptable, such as when you tell your elderly aunt you love the fruit cake she makes, when in reality, you use it as a door stop.
How to Handle Kids and Lying
Victoria Talwar, an expert on kids and lying, says parents often entrap their kids, and put them in positions to lie. Parents do this in part by asking questions they already know the answer to. Here is an example:
Pam notices frosting on her three-year-old’s face, and a bite out of a cupcake.
Pam already knows the answer to the question, but asks in a disapproving voice, “Did you take a bite out of the cupcake?”
Hearing her mother’s angry tone, the child answers, “No, Tommy (her imaginary friend) did it.”
This three-year-old’s fib is an attempt to problem solve. The child is motivated by the desire to please her mother. Fearing punishment, she fibs, trying to shift the blame to an imaginary friend – her scapegoat. At three, she has a hard time knowing the difference between what is real and what is imaginary. Things go from bad to worse, as her mommy yells at her in anger, calling her a liar.
Pam could have encouraged her child to tell the truth by commenting about the frosting and cupcake, stating in a calm voice that as a consequence there would be no desert. Pam could have given her child another chance to explain about the cupcake and then rewarded her for honesty.
A wonderful teaching opportunity could have followed, as Pam told her little girl how much she loved honesty, and perhaps read her a story that focused on the positive consequences of honesty, like ”George Washington and the Cherry Tree.” Research has proven reading classic moral stories to children with themes that reward honesty is effective in promoting truth-telling in children. Reading stories with negative consequences of dishonesty (such as Pinocchio) does not promote truth telling in children.
Promoting Honesty in Your Family
The next time your child lies to you, be mindful of your response. Using the interrogative words how, when, and where will encourage your child to describe the situation in detail, and give them an opportunity to tell the truth. A sentence that starts with the word “why” puts both children and adults on the defensive.
Be sure to celebrate when your child tells the truth, even when you disagree with your child’s behavior. Telling the truth can be hard. Use the moment to share with them a time you found it hard to tell the truth, but are glad you did.
Ask a trusted friend to be brutally honest in giving you feed back about your parenting style. Do they think your children might fear the consequences for telling you the truth? Would you like help in learning how to promote honesty in your family? Are you having difficulty knowing if your child’s lying is a symptom of a more difficult problem?
Does your son or daughter react to situations in a noticeably different way than his or her peers? You’re not alone. We hear parents express this concern often at The Center For Family Unity. Treating anxiety in children is different than treating anxiety in adults.
Anxious children often express their fears to their parents in one or more of the following manners. Do your children:
– Cling to you?
– Expect the worst?
– Clench their fists, look frightened, and tighten their muscles?
– Pretend to be sick?
– Lack energy?
– Forget what they have learned?
– Procrastinate?
– Resist making decisions because they fear they might be wrong?
– Check, re-check, and check again to make sure everything is perfect?
If your child’s fear seems out of proportion to a situation, and if their fear is interfering with their ability to have good relationships with friends and family, you may want to consider having your child treated for anxiety. Meanwhile, we hope you’ll find comfort in knowing there are many ways parents can help their anxious children.
Tell your child their “fear” is caused by something called “” Explain you are going to help them learn how to send “anxiety” away when they don’t want “anxiety” to visit.
Ask your child to give their “anxiety” a silly name. It will make it easier for them to talk about their experience.
Learn to recognize signs indicating your child is starting to feel anxious.
Develop a bedtime routine practicing ways to relax such as deep breathing. This will enable your child to master the ability to calm themselves.
Introduce your child to books with a story line about children or animals that master their fears.
Help your child to learn and use positive self-talk, and to see the connection between their negative self-talk and their anxiety.
Listen to their thoughts and feelings, without needing to change them. Reflect them back, while comforting them to help them feel safe.
Explain the physical feelings they experience when they are anxious, are not actually harmful.
If you suffer from anxiety, get help to manage your own anxiety. What you learn has the potential to help your entire family.
Read Why Smart Kids Worry and What Parents Can Do To Help, by Edwards, and Monsters Under the Bed and Other Childhood Fears by Garber, Garber, and Spizman.
Keep a daily routine. Anxious children cope better with structure.
Maintain a regular bed time. Fatigue increases anxiety.
Encourage your child to exercise daily so they can relieve stress naturally.
Raising an anxious child can be exhausting and confusing. The Center for Family Unity is available to help you and your child learn ways to firmly shut the door, so anxiety is not allowed to visit. For more information or to schedule your first appointment, call us at 619-884-0601.
