Are you parenting a spirited child? One of the most important gifts you can give your child is the ability to better manage their behavior.
It can be tempting to allow your spirited child to watch hours of TV or play video games (even educational games) since they are quiet.
But you need to be careful or you may pay for it later. Television and video games are two of the worst offenders when it comes to bad behavior triggers for the spirited child.
The colors, fast movements and flickering lights…they can send a spirited child into a mental spin…one that often leads to them acting out in the very ways you’re trying to prevent.
I was on my way to the movies with my eight-year-old grandson tonight, when out of the blue, he asked me, “Why do people want to kill themselves?”
I said “Well that’s interesting you would ask that. Did something happen to someone you know?”
“Yes,” he said. “Robin Williams—that funny guy that was in the movie Mrs. Doubtfire.”
I asked him why he thought Robin Williams committed suicide.
He answered, ”I don’t know, but it’s kind of creepy. They found him hanging on the door with a belt around his neck.”
Suicide is deeply disturbing regardless of your age. However, children find it especially difficult to understand. How do we protect our children without pretending suicide doesn’t happen? The thought of wanting to leave the Earth before it is your time brings up a lot of questions—especially from kids. If it’s someone they know or a loved one that’s close to them, the conversation should be different than if it’s someone they didn’t know personally .
Here is how you can answer your children’s questions about suicide and help them process it:
1. Know your kid : Consider the child’s age. What a child may understand at three or four as opposed to eight or nine is completely different. Knowing where your child is developmentally is important, as it will equip you to guide them in many areas. You need to know how your child perceives the world today.
Here’s how different age groups experience loss:
•Infants and toddlers may be able to tell if the adults around them are sad, but they do not understand the meaning of death.
•Preschoolers may not understand that death is permanent. They may also hold onto links between events. For example, if someone dies in a plane crash, they may worry that flying always causes death.
•Early elementary school-aged kids begin to understand that death is final. They may see death as something that happens to other people, but not to themselves or their families.
•Middle school-aged kids understand that death is final, with insight into how the body stops functioning.
•Teenagers fully understand the meaning of death and, conversely, may focus on trying to understand the meaning of life.
2. Keep it simple
Be aware that a conversation about suicide can and most likely will change your child’s life forever, especially if your child lost a close family member or friend. Avoid using phrases like “God took him” or “she passed away”— as it will only cause more confusion.
3. Understand the Ways Children Experience Grief
Is your son acting as if he is not upset at all? This could be a sign of shock. Is your daughter distancing herself from her feelings? This may be her way to ward off pain. Here are five ways your children may express their grief:
•Regression. Your child may begin to act younger than their age or cling more to the survivors. For example, they may talk like a baby or go back to wetting the bed.
•Acting out. If your son begins to misbehave more than usual it may be his way of expressing his anger about the suicide. Acting out can help them feel in control at a time when they have no control over tragic events.
•Lack of acceptance. It can be hard for kids to believe or accept the loss. They might show this by asking the same questions repeatedly, or talking about the person who died like he or she might be coming back.
•Feelings of guilt. Younger children may worry that they caused a death because they were once angry with them. Older children may feel survivor’s guilt.
•Sadness and depression. Just like adults, children can feel down and struggle to feel positive about themselves or their surroundings
Unlike adults, children often don’t have the words to explain feelings and abstract concepts like death. Providing sensory materials like play dough and clay can help them process their feelings. A swishy pillow or bean bag hugs them to provide feelings of safety and security.
If a child or adult that you love is experiencing the deep grief that almost always accompanies those left behind after a suicide, counseling can help. We invite you to contact The Center For Family Unity to learn more about how we can support your loved ones during this very difficult season.
Has the taunting, teasing and humiliation other kids are inflicting on your children become too much for them to bear? Is your daughter crying frequently because card carrying members of “the mean girls club” are sending her hate texts? Is your son getting lost in hours of endless gaming so he doesn’t have to face kids at school that torment him in the halls and then post embarrassing pictures of it on SnapChat? Your kids are not alone. In fact, according to cyber bullying statistics from the i-SAFE foundation:
More than half of adolescents and teens have been bullied online, and about the same number have engaged in cyber bullying.
More than 1 in 3 young people have experienced cyber threats online.
More than 25 percent of adolescents and teens have been bullied repeatedly through their cell phones or the Internet.
Well over half of young people do not tell their parents when cyber bullying occurs.
If you know your child is being bullied, you are among the fortunate who now have an opportunity to do something about it. Here’s how to put a stop to cyber bullying once and for all.
Exactly What Is Cyber Bullying?
Cyber bullying is a term used to describe willful harm inflicted by electronic text. It encompasses everything from continuing to e-mail a person that has requested no further contact, to publishing personal information with the intent of defaming or ridiculing them, and threats to harm a person.
What Can Parents Do To Promote Safe Internet Use?
You can do a lot. Start by keeping the computer in an open area of your house where it is easy for you to monitor. Do not allow your child to have a computer or any internet enabled device behind closed doors. Furthermore, tell your children they are only allowed to participate in online chats or join social media sites if they give you their login information for each site. If you have teens, make sure they know you respect their privacy and that you’ll only review their online communications if you think there is a legitimate reason for concern. We also encourage you to set up restrictions on cell phones and your computers and install parental control filtering software and/or monitoring programs. If you have younger children, use child-friendly search engines. While we’re unable to endorse any one particular company, we’ve heard SafeSearchKids.com is used in schools across the United States.
How to Help Put an End to Cyber Bullying
Encourage your kids to tell you immediately if they, or someone they know, is being cyber bullied. Explain that you will not take away their computers or cell phones if they confide in you about a problem they are having.
Many parents fail to tell their children how to deal with a dangerous or offensive email, text or social media post. Tell your kids to STOP, BLOCK, and TELL. Your child should stop all correspondence immediately—as responding often adds fuel to the fire. Next your child should block offenders—making it impossible for them to receive any additional email, texts or social media messages. Finally, encourage your child to tell you (or another parent) about the situation. Parents should document and report the incident to their Internet Service Provider, the school, and law enforcement. All evidence should be saved.
Cyber bullying is dangerous and can be devastating. Some children have taken their lives as a result. When a child has been the target of cyber bullying great care needs to be taken to restore the child’s self-esteem and the parent child relationship. Parents can accomplish this best with professional help. The Center for Family Unity is committed to putting an end to cyber bullying and restoring your child’s self-esteem and the parent child relationship. We encourage you to contact us if you need help.
As much as we might wish for a parenting manual, with exact instructions based on proven scientific methodology that will guarantee you’ll never need family counseling, the truth is that parenting is more art than science. And there are no guarantees; However, here are 10 basic “art tools” to help children thrive:
1. Safety. They don’t need over-protecting, but for you to be carefully aware of situations, surroundings and people that could potentially bring them harm.
2. Nourishment. Educate yourself as to what is truly nourishing and provide that to your children. Everything can be made yummy! And if you need help providing food, seek assistance from government and community services.
3. Time to play. This is critical for healthy children. It’s where they process all they see and experience. Unfortunately, many schools across the nation are cutting playtime, and adults are doing the same thing at home.
4. Love. You never have to be perfect as a parent. Show your love, speak your love and its beam will shine through any and all parenting missteps. Share with them God’s agape love, unconditional, never ending.
5. Opportunities to struggle. If we protect our children from struggle, from failure, we are handicapping them for the adult world. Oftentimes the biggest, most profound life learning comes from facing challenges.
6. Honesty. Our kids usually know when we’re lying. They just do. They may not know the specifics of the deception, but they know by the feelings they pick up that we are not being truthful. It’s deeply confusing to them. They need our truth (in age-appropriate ways).
7. Support. Kids who have to fend for themselves all the time, or practically raise themselves, may learn they can never depend on or trust another. That’s a sad way to live.
8. Positive modeling. They’re looking to US to see how to be. One of the best things you can do for your children is to work on your own personal growth so that you can be the best model for your kid(s).
9. Your belief in them. Knowing that you believe in them, in their innate goodness and abilities, helps create strong self-esteem. Teach them about how much God believes in them.
10. Time together. Being in your presence is like balm for children. Focus on them some of the time and on your activities some of time. They soak up a lot of sustenance just from being around you.
Integrating these “art tools” into your busy life may be easier than you think—especially when you’ve got the support of a family counselor. If you need help now, consider booking a free 20 minute consultation with us by calling 619.884.0601 or visiting http://www.thecenterforfamilyunity.com/schedule-consultation/.
