How To Help Kids Grieve

by | Jun 12, 2015 | Children Therapy

If a child in your life has recently experienced a death or loss, it’s important to understand how he/she may grieve and what you can do to help him/her through it. Many adults are surprised when they learn that yes, even infants grieve. Children of all ages sense when someone is missing. Yet because children often grieve differently than the adults that care for them, it’s common for parents and caretakers to be concerned when their child shows no visible grief or initial reaction when learning of the loss.

Understand How Young Children Grieve:

A young child’s perception is oriented in the five basic senses. It is concrete, short-range and based on what is felt in the moment. He does not comprehend the concept of death. A person is gone; then a person is there. In some cases, when a person disappears and fails to return to the child when expected, he may grieve every time he feels the loss. In other cases, the child may not grieve at all until the accumulative affect of loss inspires a longing or aching protest within the him. The child will miss the specific elements of the person: the sound of her voice, his expressions, her smell, the activities they experienced together.  Therefore, adults can expect a child to begin grieving when they feel the loss, not when they hear about it.

Extend Concrete Blessings:

Children think from a concrete perspective. In order to lessen confusion about the loss, use the words “death” and “dying” when you speak of it. By answering questions simply and honestly and avoiding the use of euphemisms such as “passed on” or “went to sleep” the child will begin to make appropriate associations to death. Do not feel like you need to share too much detail. If a child wants to know more, he will most certainly ask. This allows you to discover if the child is listening because they want to talk about the loss or if they’re listening for your benefit. Agitation, fidgeting and lack of eye contact are signs of the latter.

Help Them Believe the Truth:

Children tend to generalize very specific situations. If someone dies in a hospital, children begin to believe hospitals are for dying. If someone dies in their sleep, children can become afraid to go to sleep themselves. If one person died they may think everyone is going to die, or that they are going to die themselves. You can help them accommodate new truths on their own if you allow them to express themselves and test their beliefs (such as going to sleep and waking up alive).

Eradicate Confusion With Repetition

Children may ask questions repetitively. The answers they hear often do not resolve their searching. The searching itself is part of their grief work.  Their questions are indicative of their feelings of confusion and uncertainty. By answering repetitively and sometimes, telling the story over and over and over again, you will be supporting them while grieving.

Watch Their Body Language

The older children are, the more capable they are of expressing themselves in words. Younger children express their feelings with their body. Movement and active play yield communication. Watch their bodies and understand their play as their language of grief. You may want to reflect their play verbally and physically as a way of supporting their communication. This can help them feel heard and may prompt them to continue communicating with you through play. For example, “You are bouncing, bouncing, bouncing on those pillows; your face is red, and you are yelling loudly.”

To Be Continued…

(Material for this blog post was attained from The Dougy Center – The National Center for Grieving Children and Families Young Children and Grief)

Beeping, Buzzing. Is Technology Tearing Your Family Apart?

by | Jun 12, 2015 | Children Therapy, Family Counseling

Beeping, Buzzing. Is technology helping or tearing your family apart?

Technology: skill, know how, knowledge, equipment, tools and expertise are all very
necessary to compete in today’s world. But how much is enough?

We recognize our ring tones faster than our family’s voices. We have different
sounds for each person, our alarms, text messages and messages sent and received.
Our worlds are very noisy, it’s no surprise we don’t hear each other.

So how can we balance the convenience of today’s technology with the necessity of
connection and communication with our family?

Helping Children Heal After Divorce

by | Jun 12, 2015 | Children Therapy, Family Counseling

“Children are resilient. They’ll bounce back.”

If you are in the midst of a divorce, you’ve likely heard these words. And as
hurting parents, we hope it’s true. We pray that our children will walk through the
pain with few scars and little emotional pain. But while children do learn to adapt
in even the toughest circumstances, divorce brings painful wounds, and they
need our help to find healing.

Because of divorce, children will grieve a number of losses. One parent has
moved out, and depending on the financial situation, the children may have to
move to a new home, losing familiar surroundings. Friendships sometimes
change, siblings grieve, money may be tight and their custodial parent may be
hurt and angry as well. All sense of security and safety is compromised as
children look around to see their new, unsettled world.

The following are steps you can take to maximize damage control:

Find A Support Group:
Many churches have a program called Divorce Care and
Divorce Care for Kids. The lessons complement each other and the kids have a
place to go to process their hurt with other kids whose parents are divorcing.

Tell Your Child the Truth
This is a sensitive one. Depending on their age and level of development (an 8
year old may act like a 5 year old, especially when under stress.) I will provide in
depth information on this subject in a future blog called Ages and Stages.

Make Changes Slowly
While you are experiencing emotional pain, the fight or flight primitive feelings
can kick in. Journal your feeling, breathe, talk to a friend…refrain from making big
changes while under stress. You may regret it and your children will suffer in the
process.

Give your child time
Divorce creates stress and time pressures. You have more to do and less time.
Children don’t adapt as adults do since they live in their emotional minds and
rarely access their decision making minds. Sloooow down, allow your children
and yourself time. Time to heal, time to make sense of what has happened, time
to reconnect and redefine what life is now about.

Wait to Date
It is best to wait two years before you start to date. At the very least until the
divorce is final. You and your children are under a lot of stress and you need
each other to be fully available to join together in a new family unit. Dating or
having “sleep overs” are confusing and painful for children who are trying to
adjust to a new life. This will model personal integrity to your child.

Let Your Child Love the Other Parent
Never bash the other parent, find your own personal outlet and healing support
so your brokenness doesn’t become your child’s. Allow your child to buy cards or
gifts as needed for the other parent. This will give them permission to continue
their loving relationship; after all it is their only mom or dad.

Discipline Consistently
Consistency will be of great importance due to the many changes in your
families’ lives and this is true with discipline. You may feel bad since some of
your child’s acting out is due to the fracture that has happened in their hearts. I
will go into depth with my future blog, Discipline and Divorce, how to help your
child feel safe.

Let Kids Be Kids
Your nerves may be on edge since your life has been turned upside down. What
you were able to tolerate before may irritate now. Remember kids are kids, not
miniature adults. They don’t experience the world as adults do and play time is
important so they can laugh and feel normal again. I will outline games and
playtime activities in Play, Pretend and Parent-Child Bonds, How Playtime
Affects the Brain.