Family life today is under siege. Families are beset by divorce, confusion in roles, absentee parents, a breakdown of authority, preoccupation with things, inadequate time together, financial pressures, and a host of other problems. The Bible teaches that the institution of family is of divine origin and purpose. The Bible also provides guidelines for good relations within the family. A commitment to the Bible’s teachings and principles provides today’s best hope for the recovery of family life.
The family is the nest from which our children grow and learn to fly.
There is an abundance of truth in the Word of God about what loving our children should look like. There are many good books formulated from biblical perspective but when it comes down to it, the Bible is our manual. How often do we go straight to the source rather than turning to a friend or a self-help book?
Here is what the Bible says about family:
The Family Is Divine in Origin: “Then God said, ‘Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness… So God created man in His own image; He created him in the image of God; He created them male and female” (Genesis 1:26-27).
The Family Is Divine in Purpose: “These words that I am giving you today are to be in your heart. Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7).
Parents must train children: “Teach a youth about the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)
Children need loving discipline: “And fathers, don’t stir up anger in your children, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)
Children need a worthy example: “…clearly recalling your sincere faith that first lived in your grandmother Lois, then in your mother Eunice, and that I am convinced is in you also” (2 Timothy 1:5).
God created the family, and He has divine purposes for it. Following His purposes for marriage and family life gives us the best opportunities for fulfillment.
As women, as wives and moms, the greatest power we have is pray. Pray the word over your home and your family today. Make it a priority and set aside time to pray alone and with your spouse. Today I pray a hedge of protection around you and your family. If you need more guidance through this process reach out to us now! We’re here to help!
Studies show that blended families move through a number of stages over several years
During these stages, negotiations are made regarding the ‘how’, ‘when’ and ‘why’ of daily routines and family traditions. A process is formed to resolve issues and a sense of unity within the new family is built.
By the final stage a stepparent no longer feels like the ‘outsider’. They have a clear role and purpose within their family and comfortable step relationships are evident.
Does this mean there is one right way to blended family success? Therapists at the San Diego based Center for Family Unity, have a step-by-step program to help you form a unified step-family.
Stepparents may play a more or less active role in discipline depending on the willingness of both their partner and stepchildren. The level of bonding between stepparents and children may also vary. The common factor is a strong couple relationship in which both partners feels their needs are catered for and a system is in place for negotiating the way forward.
The thing is, it takes time for each person to adjust to their new role within your family. The stages show us that blended family dynamics do change over time. With patience, persistence and some proven strategies to assist, family members will form a way of relating to each other that helps each person feel accepted, supported and a sense of belonging.
Keys to blending successfully
• Couples who share their feelings without blaming and explore possible solutions that cater for a variety of needs, will mostly like work through the stages of blending at a faster pace.
• Don’t set rules and systems in concrete but evaluate them to determine their effectiveness. If one approach doesn’t work, it’s not the end of the world (or the stepfamily), together explore another way forward.
• Develop effective conflict resolving skills these will directly affect your success over time.
Unfortunately many couples give up before ever experiencing unity. Don’t become one of the statistics. Achieve a San Diego marriage success rate that goes against the stream of disappointing failed 2nd and 3rd marriages!
If you’re experiencing a lot of conflict, it doesn’t need to be this way forever. Recognize conflict is a normal part of the process and use the skills and strategies in the Healing Our Hurts Program at The Center for Family Unity to make your journey smoother. Call 619-884-0601 for help.
Dating can be a roller coaster of highs and lows—especially for the divorced parent. Here are five tips to keep in mind while dating after divorce with children:
Acknowledge that your children are likely hoping you will re-unite with your ex-spouse. Clarify the truth for them.
Let your children know you intend to date.
Wait several months, until your relationship is serious, to meet each other’s children.
Tell your ex you’re dating before you tell your kids. The children should not feel pressure to keep secrets for you.
Ask your children if they would like to meet your date and accept the fact they may not be ready. If they are, give them the opportunity to be involved in planning the first meeting.
For help navigating the complex experience of dating after divorce with children, we invite you to make an appointment at The Center for Family Unity. Contact us at 619-884-0601 or visit us online today.
While lying is considered a normal part of growing up, it should not be ignored. To promote truth telling in your family, take the following steps next time your child lies:
Consider your child’s age and mental capacity, and respond accordingly.
Try to understand your child’s motivation for telling a lie. What is the goal?
Give your child an opportunity to tell the truth and celebrate when they do.
Examine your parenting style. Are your children secure in telling you the truth?
If you are concerned with being a good step dad, you’re not alone. Just as the role of being a parent is confusing, exhausting, rewarding, and not for the faint of heart, being a step parent is even more of a challenge in many ways. Biological parents have the blessing of developing their relationship with their biological child over the course of time. Step parents enter a step child’s life, and it feels like a sink or swim situation. The counselors at The Center for Family Unity can help you understand how to be the good step dad you want to be. Here are ten tips to keep in mind:
Be trustworthy. When you make a promise, follow through.
Be clear on your role when it comes to discipline. Your wife should discipline her biological children. Your role is to support her as she does.
Treat your step child with respect. They may not remember what you say, but they will always remember how you made them feel.
Stay in your role as a step dad, not a biological father. Don’t ask your step child to call you “Dad.” Biological parents and their children are wired by nature to have a unique relationship.
Encourage your step child to love, respect, and honor their biological father, even if you think he does not deserve it. It is important for the health and development of your step child to love and respect their biological parents.
Don’t expect your step child will want to share your interests. You may love hunting deer in the rugged mountains, but your step son may prefer mastering a computer game. Allow room for different interests.
Talk with other step fathers that have good relationships with their step children and ask them for relationship-building tips.
If your step child is female, know up front she is likely to find it difficult to be close to you. It is part of the great mystery of the sexes. You will never understand it, any more than you understand other mysteries of the opposite sex.
You may have years of experience as a biological parent, and find not much of your expertise transfers to being a step parent. Decide to be okay with that.
Keep your expectations realistic.
The Center for Family Unity can help you learn to live your role as a step father, with a clear understanding of what goes into being a good step father, and how you can invest in and enjoy your role. The counselors can clarify some of the confusing realities that confront blended families. Many step parents find it comforting to learn that the difficulty they have experienced is common to most blended families, and more importantly, that there are solutions that foster good relationships. Give us a call to discuss your concerns and to learn more about how our approach can help.
Bonding with stepchildren isn’t always easy. Often, it takes more time than parents wish it did. Instead of trying to rush the process of becoming close, counselors at The Center For Family Unity encourage you to:
Enjoy your alone time, knowing no one expects you to do everything
Continue to engage in the meaningful activities you did with your biological children prior to your marriage.
Allow opportunities for each child to express their uniqueness, instead of deciding one activity fits all.
Take note when the children show shared interest in something spontaneously without your prompting. And do it again.
The process of bonding with stepchildren can be confusing and discouraging—especially when well-meaning intentions backfire. To learn how you can foster closeness in your blended family, contact The Center For Family Unity at 619-884-0601 or visit us at TheCenterForFamilyUnity.com.
