by admin | Jun 13, 2015 | Family Counseling
As children grow and mature, they develop a sense of devotion and attachment to their parents. This attachment is also known as loyalty. When parents’ divorce and a stepparent is introduced into the family, loyalty conflicts can arise. Although it is not unusual for loyalty conflicts to arise, they can still be quite difficult. Luckily, there are steps you can take to try and avoid these conflicts.
A biological parent may feel guilt over the divorce which can result in permissive parenting and may cause loyalty conflicts within the new stepfamily household.
Loyalty conflicts within the new stepfamily household can arise when the biological parent feels guilty over divorce or separation from their child’s other parent. If this is the case, it is important to avoid a permissive parenting style, or allowing the child to do as they please out of guilt. Your child needs solid structure and clear rules and guidance in the new stepfamily situation more than ever, and it is important for the biological parent to show a united front with the stepparent. Remain committed to upholding household rules. A biological parent siding with the child against the stepparent can create an “us against them” attitude, and can make the stepparent feel alienated and undervalued. To avoid this type of loyalty conflict, make sure both the biological parent and the stepparent work together to openly discuss their expectations surrounding rules, consequences, and parenting roles. Have this discussion ahead of time, so you will be well prepared to handle a difficult situation when it arises, and will be able to support each other.
A child may feel a loyalty conflict between both of their parents and the separate households.
Working with your ex-spouse may be difficult, and communication between the two of you not always civil, but it is vital that you avoid involving your children in your battles. When children are caught in the middle, they feel guilty, feel pressured, or feel rejected. This in turn creates loyalty conflicts. To avoid these conflicts, communicate directly and do not use your child as a “messenger.” Don’t grill children for information about what is going on in your ex-spouse’s life. Also, don’t ask your children to keep secrets from their other parent, and try not to argue in front of them. Your child is a combination of both of you, and criticizing or insulting your ex-spouse in front of your child is an indirect insult to them. In time, your child will have a greater respect for you if you make an effort to avoid loyalty conflicts. It is also important for your child to maintain a relationship with the other parent unless that relationship could put them in danger. Encourage the relationship between your child, their other parent, and the extended family. During this difficult time, your child will benefit from having many sources of support. If your ex-partner or spouse remarries, support your child’s relationship with this new stepparent, so that they don’t feel they are being disloyal to you.
A child may feel they are being disloyal to their biological parent when showing affection toward a stepparent.
Loyalty conflicts can also occur for your child between the new stepparent and the child’s other parent. Your child may feel guilty about developing a bond or relationship with your new partner. They may feel this is being “disloyal” to their other parent. Sadly, the other parent may even be reinforcing this idea. In your household, you can let your child know you recognize they may feel this way and encourage the child to think about a relationship with the new stepparent as an opportunity to have another caring adult in their life – not a replacement for the other parent.
For the child’s sake, it is very important for all the involved adults to openly support the child’s connection to the other parent and stepparent(s) in the family system. Remember, though, to be patient and not push the child. Building relationships takes time and for many older stepchildren, the stepparent becomes more of a trusted adult in their life, rather than a parent.
To learn more about how to avoid loyalty conflicts in your family, contact The Center For Family Unity at 619.884.0601.
by admin | Jun 12, 2015 | Family Counseling
From the second they arrive on the planet, just inches long and utterly dependent, our children occupy a place in our hearts deeper than most any other relationship.
We nurture, guide, feed and protect them for years. The relationship brings us a complex mixture of joy, frustration, sadness, delight, anger, pride and love. Our children occupy our focus like nothing else, as they grow taller and more independent with every year.
And then they go away.
Of course, we knew that from the beginning. And that’s been the goal all along.
But that doesn’t make an empty nest any easier when it finally comes.
Fortunately, an empty nest is also the beginning of another era for parents, one that can be equally fulfilling.
Varied Reactions to the Empty Nest
Several recent studies have shed light on what’s often referred to as “empty nest syndrome“—that is, the feelings of grief that arise when children leave home for college, jobs or marriage. Here are a few of their findings:
Feelings of loss are not exclusive to women. Men feel just as much loss and may actually be less emotionally prepared to deal with those feelings.
Most women don’t fall apart. Unlike the common perception, it’s not typical for most women to experience lingering depression, or loss of purpose and identity. Though they experienced sadness, mothers in a 2008 University of Missouri study spoke more about their pride and joy in watching their kids make this transition and the relief they felt in seeing the fruits of their labor realized.
Happier partnerships. Contrary to the image of couples having trouble after the kids are gone, empty nesters of both genders reported their marital satisfaction was improved because they spent more quality time together.
Some Parents Suffer
Not everyone cries for a week and then moves on with life. Some parents really suffer.
Carin Rubenstein, PhD, author of Beyond the Mommy Years: How to Live Happily Ever After…After the Kids Leave Home, says that about 10% of mothers are more severely affected when their children leave home, and the problem may be more long-term.
Research suggests that those who experience the most long-term pain have these things in common:
• They consider change stressful and to be avoided.
• Their marriage is rocky.
• They worry that their children aren’t ready for adult responsibilities.
• They have a weaker sense of self-worth; their identity is tied to being a parent.
• Their own experience of moving away from their parents was difficult.
• Other “letting go“ times, such as weaning or sending children to school, were painful.
• They are full-time parents, with no other paid employment or self-employment.
How to Get Through It
If you are having severe reactions, such as crying excessively, feeling so sad you don’t want to see friends or go to work, or feeling as though your useful life has ended), consider seeking professional help at the Center for Family Unity.
For most parents, the following suggestions will help you get through the transition:
Feel your feelings. But don’t burden your children with them. Once they’ve left, ration your calls to once or twice a week. Try texting. The more they feel you clinging, the more they’ll pull away.
Get support. If you’re going through menopause, or having to care for elderly parents, your feelings may be exacerbated. Speak with a physician if you’re experiencing difficult menopausal symptoms, and consider ways to take a break from your caregiving to take care of YOU.
Be proactive. As much as possible, make family plans while everyone is still under the same roof. Plan family vacations, take time off from work for special days, and take advantage of all opportunities to talk with your child.
Dream and do. Use your greater freedom and relaxed responsibility to get back in touch with your own dreams and aspirations. Make a list of all the hobbies you’d like to pursue, or classes you’d like to take. Spend time that you didn’t have before developing new friendships. Dive into that new business or career that you’ve been dreaming about.
Above all, forgive yourself for not being a “perfect“ parent, and acknowledge all that you’ve been able to provide for your children. Focus on letting go and trusting that your child is on his or her path—bumps and all—and will be fine. And you will be, too.
by admin | Jun 12, 2015 | Family Counseling
All relationships have their complications, but step-families create a web of relationships and inter-relationships that make the average spider’s overnight spinning look simple in comparison.
Consider these possible variations: the woman may be wife, ex-wife, mother and step-mother. Her relationships might include her husband, her ex-husband, her children and her step-children, and her step-children’s mother who is her new husband’s ex-wife. If her ex-husband has remarried, then her relationship circle also includes his wife who is now her children’s step-mother. And, his new wife might have children of her own.
Change the genders and the man/husband/father’s roles are just as complex.
Now consider the children. Parents, step-parents, step-siblings. And we haven’t even talked about extended family — aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins. Considering that each individual relationship comes with its own set of potholes, it isn’t any wonder that the blended family might be in for a bumpy ride.
- Feelings of loss, grief, guilt, anger, jealousy, loyalty conflicts, resentments, hurt, betrayal, rejection — these are just a few of the feelings family members may experience. Parents who are undergoing the stress and tension of divorce and remarriage may have less time and stamina to deal with their own feelings let alone the children’s emotional turmoil.
• New and different ways of doing things. When a family is forming, the members have no shared family histories or shared ways of doing things. From the way the table is set and how the holidays are celebrated to discipline and chores — everything must sorted out, discussed, and agreed upon.
• Roles and responsibilities change and expectations run high. The mother of one may suddenly become the stepmother of three. The youngest child may no longer be the baby and the oldest may lose her position, too. Time and space need to be reckoned with. Parents may expect their new spouse to love their children immediately and for all the children to become instant best friends.
The difficulties facing a blended family may be many, but where there are challenges there are also opportunities. To build strong bonds within your blended family, we suggest you intentionally:
• Acknowledge the river of feelings and encourage expression.
• Allow time for dealing with the issues these feelings raise and time for mourning losses.
• Be open to new ways of doing things. Be flexible. Whenever possible include everyone in the decision-making process.
• Communicate. Talk and listen.
• Maintain and nurture original parent-child relationships.
• Support and include one another. Plan time for family activities.
• Encourage friendships; let relationships develop in their own time.
• Maintain a sense of humor and play.
- Ask for help from other family members, support groups, community-based programs, clergy, and your therapist.
Those who plan ahead and communicate about potential problems, face issues as they arise, support one another and seek help when it is needed, build strong bonds. And those bonds are the foundation that supports every healthy and loving family.
