Nowadays, it seems that many people are experiencing some sort of change such as moving to a
new state, loss or creation of a job, personal issues coming to the forefront or maybe family
challenges. These are all changes that happen as a result of something. The challenge is how to
successfully manage the change, which often times comes quickly. Here are 10 ways to manage
change.
1. Expect to be uncomfortable. It’s normal!
2. Focus on the now. That could possibly mean letting go of the past or any hope that the past
could have been any different.
3. The change process takes a considerable amount of time to stabilize and to work. Be patient
with yourself and others. Nevertheless, don’t get too comfortable and think things will not change
again. They will…
4. Establish a clearly defined vision of the end result. This allows you to define the best path for
accomplishing your results
5. Don’t panic and rush to make decisions; just go with the flow
6. Listen to your body and be good to yourself. Take deep breaths and become gratitude focused,
especially when you are feeling down. Just think, it could be worse.
7. Know your stress relievers and develop new ones
8. Reflect on your past experiences of change to see how they may be helping you or holding you
back. You can do this by identifying and removing any ingrained assumptions that are not
benefiting you at this time, such as “when the going gets tough, the tough get going”
9. Maintain your integrity, even if it’s uncomfortable at the time. “Truth” is more important during
periods of change and uncertainty than good news
10. Trust is earned by those who demonstrate consistent behavior and clearly defined values
Take time to manage your thoughts, relax your physical body and focus on the present as you
transition!
Beeping, Buzzing. Is technology helping or tearing your family apart?
Technology: skill, know how, knowledge, equipment, tools and expertise are all very
necessary to compete in today’s world. But how much is enough?
We recognize our ring tones faster than our family’s voices. We have different
sounds for each person, our alarms, text messages and messages sent and received.
Our worlds are very noisy, it’s no surprise we don’t hear each other.
So how can we balance the convenience of today’s technology with the necessity of
connection and communication with our family?
If you are in the midst of a divorce, you’ve likely heard these words. And as
hurting parents, we hope it’s true. We pray that our children will walk through the
pain with few scars and little emotional pain. But while children do learn to adapt
in even the toughest circumstances, divorce brings painful wounds, and they
need our help to find healing.
Because of divorce, children will grieve a number of losses. One parent has
moved out, and depending on the financial situation, the children may have to
move to a new home, losing familiar surroundings. Friendships sometimes
change, siblings grieve, money may be tight and their custodial parent may be
hurt and angry as well. All sense of security and safety is compromised as
children look around to see their new, unsettled world.
The following are steps you can take to maximize damage control:
Find A Support Group:
Many churches have a program called Divorce Care and
Divorce Care for Kids. The lessons complement each other and the kids have a
place to go to process their hurt with other kids whose parents are divorcing.
Tell Your Child the Truth
This is a sensitive one. Depending on their age and level of development (an 8
year old may act like a 5 year old, especially when under stress.) I will provide in
depth information on this subject in a future blog called Ages and Stages.
Make Changes Slowly
While you are experiencing emotional pain, the fight or flight primitive feelings
can kick in. Journal your feeling, breathe, talk to a friend…refrain from making big
changes while under stress. You may regret it and your children will suffer in the
process.
Give your child time
Divorce creates stress and time pressures. You have more to do and less time.
Children don’t adapt as adults do since they live in their emotional minds and
rarely access their decision making minds. Sloooow down, allow your children
and yourself time. Time to heal, time to make sense of what has happened, time
to reconnect and redefine what life is now about.
Wait to Date
It is best to wait two years before you start to date. At the very least until the
divorce is final. You and your children are under a lot of stress and you need
each other to be fully available to join together in a new family unit. Dating or
having “sleep overs” are confusing and painful for children who are trying to
adjust to a new life. This will model personal integrity to your child.
Let Your Child Love the Other Parent
Never bash the other parent, find your own personal outlet and healing support
so your brokenness doesn’t become your child’s. Allow your child to buy cards or
gifts as needed for the other parent. This will give them permission to continue
their loving relationship; after all it is their only mom or dad.
Discipline Consistently
Consistency will be of great importance due to the many changes in your
families’ lives and this is true with discipline. You may feel bad since some of
your child’s acting out is due to the fracture that has happened in their hearts. I
will go into depth with my future blog, Discipline and Divorce, how to help your
child feel safe.
Let Kids Be Kids
Your nerves may be on edge since your life has been turned upside down. What
you were able to tolerate before may irritate now. Remember kids are kids, not
miniature adults. They don’t experience the world as adults do and play time is
important so they can laugh and feel normal again. I will outline games and
playtime activities in Play, Pretend and Parent-Child Bonds, How Playtime
Affects the Brain.
Could your marriage survive an affair? Affairs come in many shapes and sizes. It doesn’t have to be physical, it can be emotional. Leaning on and counting on someone other than your partner is the first step to divorce.
If you have become like ships in the night, passing each other by in the house and living separate lives away from each other don’t wait another moment to call The Center for Family Unity.
Divorce is ugly, expensive and leaves scars inside the couple, children, family and friends. The kids feel like they have to choose sides, extended family becomes shattered and your friends drift away since being with either one of you separately feels like betrayal.
Wait, there is hope. A couple who came to The Center for Family Unity speak:
Husband: When we first came to you , I didn’t know if we would be able to save our marriage. I was being guardedly optimistic. The sessions always seemed to hit the nail on the head. The homework and talks helped me open up about my thoughts and feelings. I know now that if we/I had gone to counseling along time ago, I would not have been in the hurting place I was in, and would not have hurt my wife. Your slogan Affair Repair, is perfect. If a couple wants to save their marriage and they are having trouble, you are the
only person I would recommend. We just had our 16th anniversary, and while this year has
been challenging, it is also one of the best years of my life. I still have my wife and we are happier than ever before.
Wife: When I called you I didn’t have much hope of saving our marriage. I wanted to, but I was so hurt and upset, I didn’t think that I could ever trust him again. I told you on the phone that I wanted to choke the crap outta him, and you chuckled–with that sense of humor, I knew you, if anyone, would be the right person for us.
My previous experience with counseling was not a positive one, and previously my husband had thought that counseling was for the weak minded. We were on a leap of faith when we sought help. Kellye, you sensed our hesitation and drew us in. We worked earnestly on the homework provided, and still use the tools that you gave us at the beginning. We talk openly, and share every experience with each other like we never had before. It is like being newlyweds all over again. Thank you…for everything.
I highly recommend your services, not just for couples in crisis, but for all couples that want to strengthen the connection with their loved one.
I know now that if we/I had gone to counseling along time ago, I would not have been in the hurting place I was in, and would not have hurt my wife.
Wow, and this is from the husband. A man who believed counseling was for the weak minded. I highly recommend your services, not just for couples in crisis, but for all couples that want to strengthen the connection with their loved one.
If you are in crises, call NOW…and you don’t need to be in crises, call TODAY to strengthen your connection with your loved one. Don’t wait!
Watching your child grow up and start talking about topics like dating and crushes can be intimidating. It can also bring up a lot of questions. Are they ready to date? Are you ready for them to date? If you’ve decided the answers to those questions are “yes”, then it’s time to make sure that everything is done in a way that is open and healthy for the family and for your teen.
What does that mean? It means communicating with your teen to make sure they understand the boundaries you set in place and also communicating to them what they should expect from a healthy relationship at their age. Take a look at our video for some safeguards you can put in place to help your teen navigate the world of dating. If you are eager to learn more about how to parent and communicate with your teen, contact us today at 619-884-0601
