Every time Grace—a gifted drama teacher—taught a class, she returned home with an awful sinking feeling. She didn’t understand why. “I had such fun and did a great job,” she thought to herself. Yet, rather than expand from the delight and exuberance of her time in the classroom, she contracted.
Grace’s contraction comes from the experience of shame, a poison that keeps us from experiencing our own joy and disconnects us from the aliveness within and around us. Whereas guilt is associated with a particular memory or event and having done something wrong, the feeling of shame is about being wrong at our core. It is a debilitating feeling we have about ourselves that comes from a core belief that we are basically and unalterably flawed.
Sources of Shame
The poison that is the root of shame is absorbed in early childhood. As a result of not being seen and loved for who we are, we develop the belief that we are unlovable and that something is inherently wrong with us. Perhaps we were told outright that we were bad, stupid or undeserving, or perhaps we were physically abused, from which we concluded we had no value. The thing we may have done “wrong” might have been simply expressing our joyful authenticity. Like Grace, we learned that again, being who we truly are is not safe.
Purpose of Shame
Oddly enough, shame gives us the illusion of safety. It provides us with a feeling of control over other people’s feelings and actions. If we are not getting what we want in life—in our personal relationships, in our work, even in our experience of self—a sense of power comes from “knowing” that it is because we are inadequate. If our defectiveness is causing the results we see, we believe there is always something we can do about it. We can do things “right.”
Clinging to the belief that our inadequacy is the cause of other people’s behavior towards us prevents us from accepting our inherent helplessness over others’ feelings and actions. When we begin to understand that all people at all times are simply exercising their free will and it has nothing to do with us, healing can begin.
The Antidote
The poison of shame can be eradicated by taking certain steps towards healing:
- The first step is to identify your shame, to become aware of how it feels in the body.
- Once you recognize the feeling, notice shame every time it arises and experience it fully; name it and feel it.
- Be willing to express your authentic feelings—including your joy and sense of true power. Reverse the shutting down effect shame causes by giving yourself permission to fully “show up.”
- Accept that other people’s feelings have nothing to do with you. With compassion, choose to no longer take their behavior personally.
- Practice forgiveness—for those whose behavior led to your feeling shamed, and for yourself.
Please don’t hesitate to call The Center for Family Unity at 619-884-0601, if you’d like help releasing the false belief that you are defective, in order to affirm the unique and marvelous individual that you are.
