I was on my way to the movies with my eight-year-old grandson tonight, when out of the blue, he asked me, “Why do people want to kill themselves?”
I said “Well that’s interesting you would ask that. Did something happen to someone you know?”
“Yes,” he said. “Robin Williams—that funny guy that was in the movie Mrs. Doubtfire.”
I asked him why he thought Robin Williams committed suicide.
He answered, ”I don’t know, but it’s kind of creepy. They found him hanging on the door with a belt around his neck.”
Suicide is deeply disturbing regardless of your age. However, children find it especially difficult to understand. How do we protect our children without pretending suicide doesn’t happen? The thought of wanting to leave the Earth before it is your time brings up a lot of questions—especially from kids. If it’s someone they know or a loved one that’s close to them, the conversation should be different than if it’s someone they didn’t know personally .
Here is how you can answer your children’s questions about suicide and help them process it:
1. Know your kid : Consider the child’s age. What a child may understand at three or four as opposed to eight or nine is completely different. Knowing where your child is developmentally is important, as it will equip you to guide them in many areas. You need to know how your child perceives the world today.
Here’s how different age groups experience loss:
•Infants and toddlers may be able to tell if the adults around them are sad, but they do not understand the meaning of death.
•Preschoolers may not understand that death is permanent. They may also hold onto links between events. For example, if someone dies in a plane crash, they may worry that flying always causes death.
•Early elementary school-aged kids begin to understand that death is final. They may see death as something that happens to other people, but not to themselves or their families.
•Middle school-aged kids understand that death is final, with insight into how the body stops functioning.
•Teenagers fully understand the meaning of death and, conversely, may focus on trying to understand the meaning of life.
2. Keep it simple
Be aware that a conversation about suicide can and most likely will change your child’s life forever, especially if your child lost a close family member or friend. Avoid using phrases like “God took him” or “she passed away”— as it will only cause more confusion.
3. Understand the Ways Children Experience Grief
Is your son acting as if he is not upset at all? This could be a sign of shock. Is your daughter distancing herself from her feelings? This may be her way to ward off pain. Here are five ways your children may express their grief:
•Regression. Your child may begin to act younger than their age or cling more to the survivors. For example, they may talk like a baby or go back to wetting the bed.
•Acting out. If your son begins to misbehave more than usual it may be his way of expressing his anger about the suicide. Acting out can help them feel in control at a time when they have no control over tragic events.
•Lack of acceptance. It can be hard for kids to believe or accept the loss. They might show this by asking the same questions repeatedly, or talking about the person who died like he or she might be coming back.
•Feelings of guilt. Younger children may worry that they caused a death because they were once angry with them. Older children may feel survivor’s guilt.
•Sadness and depression. Just like adults, children can feel down and struggle to feel positive about themselves or their surroundings
Unlike adults, children often don’t have the words to explain feelings and abstract concepts like death. Providing sensory materials like play dough and clay can help them process their feelings. A swishy pillow or bean bag hugs them to provide feelings of safety and security.
If a child or adult that you love is experiencing the deep grief that almost always accompanies those left behind after a suicide, counseling can help. We invite you to contact The Center For Family Unity to learn more about how we can support your loved ones during this very difficult season.
