If a child in your life has recently experienced a death or loss, it’s important to understand how he/she may grieve and what you can do to help him/her through it. Many adults are surprised when they learn that yes, even infants grieve. Children of all ages sense when someone is missing. Yet because children often grieve differently than the adults that care for them, it’s common for parents and caretakers to be concerned when their child shows no visible grief or initial reaction when learning of the loss.
Understand How Young Children Grieve:
A young child’s perception is oriented in the five basic senses. It is concrete, short-range and based on what is felt in the moment. He does not comprehend the concept of death. A person is gone; then a person is there. In some cases, when a person disappears and fails to return to the child when expected, he may grieve every time he feels the loss. In other cases, the child may not grieve at all until the accumulative affect of loss inspires a longing or aching protest within the him. The child will miss the specific elements of the person: the sound of her voice, his expressions, her smell, the activities they experienced together. Therefore, adults can expect a child to begin grieving when they feel the loss, not when they hear about it.
Extend Concrete Blessings:
Children think from a concrete perspective. In order to lessen confusion about the loss, use the words “death” and “dying” when you speak of it. By answering questions simply and honestly and avoiding the use of euphemisms such as “passed on” or “went to sleep” the child will begin to make appropriate associations to death. Do not feel like you need to share too much detail. If a child wants to know more, he will most certainly ask. This allows you to discover if the child is listening because they want to talk about the loss or if they’re listening for your benefit. Agitation, fidgeting and lack of eye contact are signs of the latter.
Help Them Believe the Truth:
Children tend to generalize very specific situations. If someone dies in a hospital, children begin to believe hospitals are for dying. If someone dies in their sleep, children can become afraid to go to sleep themselves. If one person died they may think everyone is going to die, or that they are going to die themselves. You can help them accommodate new truths on their own if you allow them to express themselves and test their beliefs (such as going to sleep and waking up alive).
Eradicate Confusion With Repetition
Children may ask questions repetitively. The answers they hear often do not resolve their searching. The searching itself is part of their grief work. Their questions are indicative of their feelings of confusion and uncertainty. By answering repetitively and sometimes, telling the story over and over and over again, you will be supporting them while grieving.
Watch Their Body Language
The older children are, the more capable they are of expressing themselves in words. Younger children express their feelings with their body. Movement and active play yield communication. Watch their bodies and understand their play as their language of grief. You may want to reflect their play verbally and physically as a way of supporting their communication. This can help them feel heard and may prompt them to continue communicating with you through play. For example, “You are bouncing, bouncing, bouncing on those pillows; your face is red, and you are yelling loudly.”
To Be Continued…
(Material for this blog post was attained from The Dougy Center – The National Center for Grieving Children and Families Young Children and Grief)
