Kristen’s kids – ages 7, 9, and 11 – were driving her nuts with their constant bickering. She had a work deadline she had to meet, and every few minutes one of her kids was in her home office, complaining about what the other was doing. Kristen often told the kids to “knock it off;” however, that only stopped the racket for a few minutes. Even if they weren’t in the same room, the loud arguments and constant interruptions made it next to impossible for Kristen to focus on meeting her deadline.
Kristen was tired—tired of the bickering and tired of the interruptions. She found herself counting the minutes until her husband got home because his arrival allowed for her departure—to her office outside of their home. She needed uninterrupted time to finish her project and couldn’t play referee any longer. It was exhausting constantly ordering the kids to stop fighting, implementing consequences and facilitating forgiveness. She just needed to get away.
Why Kids Tattle
Kristen’s not alone. Her complaint is one of the most common complaints mothers share. Fortunately for all weary moms, much has been learned about bickering and sibling rivalry that can change the situation. Kids often involve parents in their battles, in part because they want time with their parents. Sometimes they do so because they want their sibling to be punished. While it may seem like jumping in to settle an argument is the best way to end it, parental involvement often drags the process on and robs children of learning conflict resolution skills.
Six Steps to Silencing Sibling Rivalry
- Tell your kids you have quit your job as referee and that means they will have to settle their own arguments moving forward.
- Identify an “argument room” in your home—preferably in a room that’s far away from you.
- The next time they bicker and argue:
- Lead them to the “argument room.”
- Insist they may not leave the “argument room” until the argument is over.
- LEAVE THE ARGUMENT ROOM IMMEDIATELY so the kids don’t have an This step alone often ends the arguments. Arguing without an audience is…boring.
- Avoid insisting they apologize and hug when the argument is over.
- Let them develop the skill to end an argument without your intervention.
- Set aside 15 minutes of alone time with each child each day. Be faithful.
- Establish rules for healthy disagreements and post them in the argument room.
- No hitting
- No screaming
- No use of foul language
- No verbal assaults
- No destruction of personal property
- Inform kids the “Tattle Tale Office” is permanently closed. Explain you no longer take tattle tale reports. Have the kids make a sign for the office that says “closed,” and post the sign. Explain if any of them come to tattle in the future, all of them, regardless of if they are guilty or innocent will be disciplined.
Know in advance kids will test these changes; they’re used to your involvement and will try to make it so you remain involved. Give them your very best response as a parent. Stay out of their way and allow them to learn how to resolve conflict without you. They will need the skill as adults.
Are the tattletales exhausting you? Family therapists at The Center for Family Unity specialize in counseling children. We can assist you in developing a plan that restores your home to the sanctuary it was designed to be. For a free 20 minute teletherapy session, contact us online, or call us at 619-884-0601.
