As children grow and mature, they develop a sense of devotion and attachment to their parents. This attachment is also known as loyalty. When parents’ divorce and a stepparent is introduced into the family, loyalty conflicts can arise. Although it is not unusual for loyalty conflicts to arise, they can still be quite difficult. Luckily, there are steps you can take to try and avoid these conflicts.
A biological parent may feel guilt over the divorce which can result in permissive parenting and may cause loyalty conflicts within the new stepfamily household.
Loyalty conflicts within the new stepfamily household can arise when the biological parent feels guilty over divorce or separation from their child’s other parent. If this is the case, it is important to avoid a permissive parenting style, or allowing the child to do as they please out of guilt. Your child needs solid structure and clear rules and guidance in the new stepfamily situation more than ever, and it is important for the biological parent to show a united front with the stepparent. Remain committed to upholding household rules. A biological parent siding with the child against the stepparent can create an “us against them” attitude, and can make the stepparent feel alienated and undervalued. To avoid this type of loyalty conflict, make sure both the biological parent and the stepparent work together to openly discuss their expectations surrounding rules, consequences, and parenting roles. Have this discussion ahead of time, so you will be well prepared to handle a difficult situation when it arises, and will be able to support each other.
A child may feel a loyalty conflict between both of their parents and the separate households.
Working with your ex-spouse may be difficult, and communication between the two of you not always civil, but it is vital that you avoid involving your children in your battles. When children are caught in the middle, they feel guilty, feel pressured, or feel rejected. This in turn creates loyalty conflicts. To avoid these conflicts, communicate directly and do not use your child as a “messenger.” Don’t grill children for information about what is going on in your ex-spouse’s life. Also, don’t ask your children to keep secrets from their other parent, and try not to argue in front of them. Your child is a combination of both of you, and criticizing or insulting your ex-spouse in front of your child is an indirect insult to them. In time, your child will have a greater respect for you if you make an effort to avoid loyalty conflicts. It is also important for your child to maintain a relationship with the other parent unless that relationship could put them in danger. Encourage the relationship between your child, their other parent, and the extended family. During this difficult time, your child will benefit from having many sources of support. If your ex-partner or spouse remarries, support your child’s relationship with this new stepparent, so that they don’t feel they are being disloyal to you.
A child may feel they are being disloyal to their biological parent when showing affection toward a stepparent.
Loyalty conflicts can also occur for your child between the new stepparent and the child’s other parent. Your child may feel guilty about developing a bond or relationship with your new partner. They may feel this is being “disloyal” to their other parent. Sadly, the other parent may even be reinforcing this idea. In your household, you can let your child know you recognize they may feel this way and encourage the child to think about a relationship with the new stepparent as an opportunity to have another caring adult in their life – not a replacement for the other parent.
For the child’s sake, it is very important for all the involved adults to openly support the child’s connection to the other parent and stepparent(s) in the family system. Remember, though, to be patient and not push the child. Building relationships takes time and for many older stepchildren, the stepparent becomes more of a trusted adult in their life, rather than a parent.
To learn more about how to avoid loyalty conflicts in your family, contact The Center For Family Unity at 619.884.0601.
